Hi :))
This is one of those blog posts intended more for my release rather than making a point about something, so this will probably come out very minutiae-oriented.
I just wanna talk about my day, and the feelings that took me through the past few hours.
So...
I woke up in the morning - quite a sensible thing to do, don't you think? Otherwise I would have waded through all this time semi-comatose and rather livid. I drank vitamin C - another sensibility when you're living with this European weather. Although the frost hasn't bitten me yet. Let's not jinx the situation. I fed my good-for-nothing husband Isaiah, a reddish, keen-eyed creature pertaining to the biological genus Felis catus. Then I left to sing at the conservatory. Music is something I used to be passionate about. And I'm finding I still am passionate about it. It's just this: I have a tendency to misplace things. I store my keys in the refrigerator, and the eggplant goes into my suitcase. That's fine, an eggplant in the suitcase - that way the keys can get some good ole frozen haytch-two-oh. But I'm starting to learn that misplacing friendships, romances, duties, familial ties, and passions is a thing to be avoided whenever possible - it makes your life so much more complicated than it has to be. There's a good thing, however, to being a misplacer, rather than a loser, of objects and things - you can always find what you're looking for again. It's there, when you bother to look underneath the pizza-stained jeans clamming up your floor (NOT my case anymore, bitches. I actually cleaned up my clothing a few days ago - how long such a streak can continue is another matter, not to be discussed immediately, please. I'm riding off the high of newfound "organization"). Speaking of cleanliness, one particular high note the missing of which has given me an acute degree of tension in the past, has been cleaned up rather nicely. And I'm feeling more secure when it comes to my trillo. I like clean high notes.
I don't have much time, and I'd like to finish this post before I leave for the evening. So I'll skip over the details of wandering around the city after school - I did it as a de-stressing exercise. Lately I've been running about too much, scattering energy - the Czech way of life has gotten to me just a little, I'll admit. Look at how I feel like I need to justify wasting time. "You need to spend time, to make time." That's a thing worth telling myself. Nothing wrong with wandering physically, when you know that's what your mind will do if you sit down and try to do something "productive". There's time for that. That time wasn't this matinee, though. So I had lunch in a soporific, lulling place, and read my book, the original dystopian novel, We, until something unpleasant happened... people started coming in. It got noisy, and I understood what a rat caught in a jar feels - a desire to sink its teeth into a piece of cheese, in silence. So I left that place, with the Green Wall and the Ancient House wistfully going about in my head, and I let myself, like the rat's teeth, sink into a world of green water, and I felt for the rest of the day. I was transformed into those teeth, and I am glad for this metamorphosis into another kind of bone, one designed to cut deeper and stronger. My borders are a little skewed. My mind went back to an encounter I had recently with someone whose vibration I had shared in a past life, and I realized, "I've met this soulmate X before, in the past life Y". How happy I felt, to know that this was real and I was not imagining. But I could be. I could be self-deceiving.
I want to share some quotes from this book that I'm reading, mainly so that I don't forget them myself:
"For every equation, every formula in the superficial world, there is a corresponding curve or solid. For irrational formulas, for my √-1, we know of no corresponding solids, we've never seen them... But that's just the whole horror - that these solids, invisible, exist. They absolutely inescapably must exist. Because in mathematics their eccentric prickly shadows, the irrational formulas, parade in front of our eyes as if they were on a screen. And mathematics and death never make a mistake. And if we don't see these solids in our surface world, there is for them, there inevitably must be, a whole immense world there, beneath the surface."
"And the natural path from nullity to greatness is this: Forget that you're a gram and feel yourself a millionth part of a ton."
"Human history ascends in spirals, like an aero. The circles vary, some are gold, some are bloody, but all are divided into the same 360 degrees. It starts at zero and goes forward: 10, 20, 200, 360 degrees - then back to zero. Yes, we've come back to zero - yes. But for my mind, thinking in mathematics as it does, one thing is clear: This zero is completely different, new. Leaving zero, we headed to the right. We returned to zero from the left. So instead of plus zero, we have minus zero. Do you understand?"
"Who is this "We"? Who am I?"
I want to go back to the "zero" introduced by Zamyatin - when I read this thought in the restaurant, my mind rotated in shock, and I did a double take. No, I did not want to understand. I read it again. We are all living in a great big state of zero. This zero is the culmination of esoteric truth, which is why the zodiac sign Scorpio, symbolic of the unveiling of that which is hidden, in addition to the restorative/destructive force that pushes the universe towards continuity, vibrates to the number zero. What is zero, save for the Scorpion devouring its own tail? Yin and yang meet within this perfect elliptical space. Today, I am aware I am a zero. Every experience in my life, every thought, every encounter, every chance at merging, goes to completion. The energy that propels my life is a curved string in projectile motion, intercepting a given point until it has no choice but to touch upon itself at the "endpoints", for does not a curve carry within itself the possibility of becoming "linearized"? But the line, when uncurved and straightened-out, is problematic, because it takes us away from the ellipse of the zero, which is the closest orbit to truth in which I personally have rotated.
Today there were proofs of my intimate association with the zero in front of my very eyes, felt in my soul, and projected now into words, however immaturely.
The first one was the soulmate memory/realization, which I won't go into now. Too time-consuming, and I just want to finish this.
Another proof struck me when walking down that horrible park towards the Muzeum metro station near the center of Prague. Near the grass, two junkies were shooting up. This is the second time I see junkies shooting up in my "tangible" life, not on a movie screen or anything; the first time was last week, at the same metro station. I don't like this truth being thrown into my face without my consent. Yet here it is. The harsh, unmasked reality, a nude wretch bleeding out of its polluted genitalia. Kids get to see these sights, hurray. Kids at the chronological age, but more poignantly, kids at heart as well. I stopped and looked at one of the junkies, tried to lock into his face. He looked at me. I was too shocked and frustrated to think about it at the time, but him and I form the same Scorpion. We are the same zero. My innocence (read: ignorance) is the tail, to be devoured via the needle inserted into a vein. A third proof was my location of a personal Green Wall and Ancient House - the swingset facing the duck pond in Letnany, and the duck pond itself. When I was in the air today, myself and the swing yet another zero, I felt I could have been a bird. I felt another dimension expand itself unto me, to accomodate me into its life-plan. Today is a half of the zero in which I understand. Other days have filled in, and shall fill in, with God's grace, the other half of the curve. I would rather live in this truth, no matter how ugly and hurtful and mean, than in that half-world of lies that illusion brings. That junkie separates from the zero. But through me, for my own unfathomable reasons, he is reunited with that truth in the same moment. Today. I am an ocean in the drop, to quote Rumi. I am not a hydrogen atom that does not follow the duet rule, and imitate the all-knowing, all-balanced zero of Helium; I am a filled orbital, with electrons of opposed spin coexisting inside me. Today. But that shall be gone some other day. And that, my friends, is all a part of that absolute, wonderful zero. Now you know why zero is neither a plus or a minus. It is both. And none. It is beyond. Simply.
Now then, blog readers, I've got to bounce off. I'm going to have dinner with an ex-monk tonight, and talk.
My e-mail is: bemgcasrbaquarian@gmail.com
Have a safe, blessed evening.
Signed, your friendly Water Bearer.
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