Gemini and Aquarius

Gemini

• Air
• Mutable
• Yang (masculine)
• Mercury (androgynous)

Aquarius

• Air
• Fixed
• Yang (masculine)
• Uranus (masculine) and Saturn (masculine)

Not too long ago, a friend of mine, Tzvi Shmilovich (copyrighted, buddies), gave me some poems he'd written. One of them goes like this:

If my eyes shine
The distance is the cause

If I tremble some
It isn't the embrace

And my slightly parted lips
Taste other things,
Other things.

When I thought about what to say concerning the Gemini and Aquarius relationship, this poem came to mind for a number of reasons. For one thing, both of these creatures have a tendency of dwelling on "other things" entirely - Gemini and Aquarius are mental wanderers. In the case of Gemini, one twin is completely absorbed in the moment, gregariously analyzing, asking questions, and communicating - but where has the other twin gone? Look up - the second twin rotates among the lonely clouds of ideals and sparkling-bright daydreams. The typical Gemini is an extrovert - Mercury makes this man or woman a born communicator, and you'll rarely find a Gemini who can stomach long periods of being alone - still, this is a lonely sign at the root. Gemini represents childhood - it's no wonder most Geminis have an eternally youthful quality to them. Like the symbolic child, Gemini wanders on, constantly on the lookout for an ideal that never comes - seeking and open, destined never to find.

Enter the aloof, sober-tempered Water Bearer. Despite a marked friendliness, the air of detachment from the moment and an almost tangible loneliness dissipates from Aquarius to the rest of the world. The Water Bearer doesn't necessarily have a depressive vibe - could be the case, with Saturn as planetary co-ruler - but the eyes are often vague and listless, the features tired and somehow old. Aquarius, too, is a lonely sign at the root, though more poignantly so than Gemini - the Aquarian soul is older, more spiritually attuned to the intricacies of human solitude. Still, the paradoxical Uranus relieves the Water Bearer with an idealism and childishness akin to that of the Twins. Aquarius represents second childhood - the reduction of the soul to its constituents after an incarnation of soul-testing and karma, faintly recalled by Aquarius from the Capricorn spiritual experience. At the Aquarian level, the soul has learned that "whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein" (Mark 10.15). The Geminian can relate to those words as well - they were born young. The basis of this relationship, therefore, becomes suddenly clearer.

Aquarius is frustrated at being read the wrong way by people - they all dismiss the Water Bearer as crazy, pixilated, and far too idealistic for normalcy. It can hurt when people don't see the practical basis behind the Uranian vision, and try to confine the Water Bearer to more prosaic spheres of thought and behavior. No one seems to understand - no one but the Twins.

Likewise, Gemini bemoans the pigeon-holing they have to sit through on a daily basis from less creative minds. The vacillating Twins feel as though there's no room for the existence of their sentimental ideals in the practical world of all the boring "they"s out there. People don't take Gemini seriously, because they skirt around edges and flit from project to project out of sheer restlessness and boredom with un-imaginative living. No one seems to understand - no one but the Water Bearer.  

When these two are brought together for the first time, the only predictable thing about this union is the unpredictability of the results. If the clouds these two travel upon manage to intercept at some point or other, rest assured that the following will happen: the eyes of the Water Bearer will look into those of first one twin, then the other. In those clever Mercury eyes (the eyes of anyone, by the way, with a strong Mercury influence in the birth chart, sparkle with intelligence and cut straight to the bottom of anything and everything) the Uranus-ruled man or woman will find their dreams, in all their conjoined freshness and fragility, reflected. Then the eyes of the Mercurian will smile impishly into those of the Water Bearer, and a friendship/relationship/marriage/whatever-it-is will recommence between these two souls, a bond remembered from long ago the unentanglement from which proves to be a difficult and delicate procedure.

That's if these two can hold the glance long enough for all that to happen. Mercury eyes only perceive an object for a few seconds, before jumping onto something new. It can be even more frustrating getting an Aquarian to look you square in the face - the eyes will cloud over with a veil behind which nothing is foreseeable sooner or later. All this should lead you to deduce that these two are flighty in the extreme. Right you are. Gemini and Aquarius are both Air signs, seeking a mental connection above all else. They are likely to find it with one another. Both are bright. Both tend to have too many projects, relationships, dreams going at the same time. Both are masters of the twisted tour-de-phrase - indeed, the Water Bearer and the Twins may find their happiness writing a comic book together, or picking up a new language or two (most Geminis and Virgos, by the way - Mercury folk, so to speak - are fluent in more than one language). My Gemini best friend and I are always talking about writing a book of all the "theories" we've developed together from all that people-watching and character dissection.

My Gemini best friend. I swear, we don't even have to use words anymore to communicate. I always feel like he's sending me vibrations when we're not geographically close. It's a thing of sublime pleasure when at a given moment, a person has been feeling and thinking exactly the same thing as you have. Why am I talking about this bright and romantic young man? To illustrate the unpredictability of the Gemini-Aquarius union: our paths first crossed on one of the first days of the new school year at my old conservatory. I had been chattering away meaninglessly to a woman who used to work at my elementary school, and the Mercury boy interrupts, weaving his way effortlessly into the conversation, green eyes glib and curious. We talked about a bunch of things, including European history. Surely he had done nothing to offend. But for a year and a half after that, I was uninhibitedly hostile towards him. I made a point of opposing everything he said, and making up cracks in whatever argument he presented. I niced it up with everyone else to his face, laughed loudly and rudely at his ideas, and yelled at him every chance I got to "go get lost and who needs you anyway". I know, right? What had he done to deserve this? But he had done something - he made me love him so completely. He had held up a mirror to my own soul. I couldn't stand the fact that a person could do that to me in just a moment - I blocked out the spiritualism I felt because I was afraid of the pain that follows compassion, and understanding of the self. The "glance" moment happened later on. We ended up talking for 7+ hours, and we've been besties/bro-and-sis/twins/hubby-and-wifey ever since, sometimes for worse, usually for better. I'm happy, though, and a little surprised, that he didn't go get lost - it's always a very real possibility with a Gemini. Or an Aquarius, for that matter.

Space. These two will give one another space to be individuals in whatever type of relationship they share. The boredom threshold of the Aquarian is quite low - once Aquarius had analyzed all there is to analyze about a person, he or she tends to move on to their new test subject. With Gemini, the chances of that happening decrease dramatically, since Aquarius gets not one, but TWO (and sometimes three, four, five, you get the picture) lab rats to test their mind game(s) upon. Additionally, the Water Bearer's eccentricity, intelligence, and open-mindedness will intrigue Gemini enough to stay in a relationship with this rather stubborn person. If one of these two is more prone to getting stuck in a rut, it's Aquarius, owing to the Fixed nature of this sign. People born under Fixed stars are usually traditional and consistent in their personal habits, extremely stubborn and unwilling to be towered over, and more than a little arrogant. Plus, these folks have a hard time accepting their flaws for what they are - hindrances to be rectified. Seriously - try it - tell a Taurean they're as pig-headed as a bull, and you'll most probably get a grunt of approval - "why swell'st thou then", dear Taurus? I once accused a Leo of being domineering, and he just beamed at me. Same with Scorpio - let them know they're intense to the point of being scary, and Scorp will fix you with a look hypnotic enough to make your thigh muscles twitch. Gemini, being Mutable, won't be especially interested in trying to call the shots - Aquarius will appreciate this, since they like being top dog. However, too much Mutability on the part of Gemini might trigger the latent and unexpected temper of the Water Bearer. A Fixed sign is a Fixed sign, and Aquarius usually goes traditional when it comes to selecting a mate. The Gemini wife who neglects to have dinner on the table by a certain time every night and iron her Aquarian husband's shirt for the next morning might come home from her latest social gathering to a surly and neurotic dictator. Similarly, the Gemini woman shouldn't insist on partying up every other day and disgracing her Aquarian girlfriend in public by making out drunkenly with the bartender, unless she'd like to see that normally docile and smiling woman slam her calculator on the desk in a fit of violent Uranus intensity, pull on one blue sock, the other orange, and impulsively hop on a plane to France and obstinately refuse to answer her phone for a month (before coming back and making like nothing happened, of course).

Time to talk about sex. It's been a while. Let that be a metaphor for the birth of the sexual life between Gemini and Aquarius - could be a while. Usually, the initial link between these two is a joint intellectual endeavor of some sort. Gemini and Aquarius make love with their minds first, emotions next, and bodies last. Admittedly, Gemini is more than capable of making light of physical love. This is exactly the sign to engage in multiple flings - one relationship for each twin. If you're dealing with triplets, the "problem", naturally, exacerbates itself. Aquarius, on the other hand, tends to shrink away from physical contact, especially just for the sake of it. Along with Virgo and Sagittarius, Aquarius can cope with drawn-out celibacy and physical aloofness much better than the remaining zodiac signs. You'll even find Aquarians who liken physical intimacy to a bout of plague. Aquarius shares with Virgo a fetish for cleanliness. Body fluids are likely to turn off the Water Bearer, and dear Gemini, if the Water Bearer you're with doesn't mind you using their toothbrush, and drinks from the same cup as you, then they REALLY love you - a LOT. Gemini is a flirt - no getting around it. But if anyone can deal with the mercurial ways of the Twins, it's the Water Bearer. Aquarius might even be happy if Gemini had an extra relationship or two - keeps the Twins away when Aquarius needs to be alone and pursue their myriad interests. I personally don't mind if my boyfriend or girlfriend flirts around - they're coming back to ME anyway, so what's a little flirting here and there? I don't know how I'd feel about them sharing their body with someone else, but I get the feeling I won't mind too much. As long as I'm informed that it's happening, and know that the person is clean. On the whole, this sexual relationship works if the two of them maintain space, and fulfill one another's need for experimentation and non-realism in all things sexual.

Gemini Compatibility

Soulmates: Libra, Aquarius

Friendly: Aries, Leo

Good for sex: Scorpio, Capricorn, SAGGITARIUS (opposite sign)

Neutral: Taurus, Gemini, Cancer

Incompatible: Virgo, Pisces

Aquarius Compatibility

Soulmates: Libra, Gemini

Friendly: Aries, Sagittarius

Good for sex: Cancer, Virgo, LEO (opposite sign)

Neutral: Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces

Incompatible: Taurus, Scorpio


Share your Gemini and Aquarius story, dilemma, etc. at bemgcasrbaquarian@gmail.com

Signed, your friendly Water Bearer.

Keeping Happiness in your Life

Halloa blog readers :))

In-depth blog post coming your way - it's been a while, since the start of the month, to be exact, since I've written anything here. I hope you guys have been having a topsy-turvy, zany, and mystical Aquarian/Piscean month, and the Moon is Full once again tonight, and is traveling through the Virgo zone of the zodiac. Solar Virgos (myself included - I found out today that Jeremy Irons is a solar Virgo - sweet) should feel the influence of this particular Full Moon in full force - this Full Moon placement will have the strongest effect on those born under mutable stars (Virgo, Pisces, Sagittarius, and Gemini). Under the moon in Virgo influence, communication, details, minor physical pains, altruism, and criticism geared towards perfecting what ought to be perfected can be recurring themes throughout the Full Moon days. Personally, I felt this Full Moon influence quite violently and persistently yesterday. Today it seems to have calmed down a bit. The evening is young, though. We'll see ;)

I'm not here to harp on about the way the moon is looking, though. Today I'll be talking about happiness - I'm particularly interested in suggesting practical, doable tips for maintaining a durable sense of joy in your life.

 What does it mean to be happy? I've heard so many people claim "I just want to be happy" as one of their major life goals. If by "be happy" you mean the achievement of a more-or-less permanent good mood, with the rose-colored glasses happily donned throughout most life moments, let me burst your bubble. Gently. But nevertheless, this bubble needs to POP. What you are wishing for, my friend, is the attainment of the Holy Grail. How can you be emotionally a-okay all the time? It's never happened to me, so maybe someone ought to explain to me how that works - except it doesn't. When you don't have sad moments in your life, when you don't go under into the blue, you lose the standard by which you measure that feel-good high we call "happiness" - "when you have everything, what do you have? You have nothing", to quote the Italian photographer Francesco Scavullo. The pursuit of that variety of happiness is not something you can build a life on. And let me tell you, when you throw depression into the mix, it's really not so easy to just "feel good".

Before I go any further, I should mention that I'm speaking from the point of view of someone who's been clinically depressed, and continues to have lapses into melancholia. Therefore, if this blog post seems to be geared towards helping people who are currently depressed in their lives, or have been at some point and are worried about a relapse, it is.

I should mention I've been blue on the inside for a while now; this blue state hasn't, so far, tip-toed into one the episodes I've had before. I can say the last time I felt seriously depressed was in September of 2012. After that, the cloud lifted considerably for a time, only to resettle eventually, as I figured it would, but at a higher distance above my head, and with a decreased annual precipitation and thunderstorm rate. To those of you who have had to endure depression relapses, I feel for you - this is an extremely relapse-prone disorder.

Which brings me to my next point - disorder. Depression is a disorder, for God's sake. I absolutely hate it when people tell me, "Well, just try to be happy." That makes me fume internally because guess what? I DO try. Lately I've been actively fighting it - the tips for which I will list below in a bit - but the thing is, "to run isn't always to reach". The blueness can be too heavy sometimes, and is regulated by factors out of your immediate control - like hormones, for instance. Or a neurotransmitter imbalance where the nervous system synapses are concerned. Another loophole - chronic, recurring depression is more often than not connected with an anxiety disorder of some sort - in my case, it's been a variant of OCD and bipolar disorder, which run in the family to a degree. Factor in the dilemmas of everyday life, and some more pressing, deep-natured problems on the side, and seeing the silver lining can become pretty challenging, to say the least.

But nevertheless, I'm not an advocate of long-term moping. You can only mope for so long before you decide to give happiness a shot - basically, what I'm saying is that you really do need to "try to be happy", except I'm saying it in a sincere sense, not in the dismissive way people usually give that advice. The very wording of that statement suggests there is work involved in becoming "happy" - if you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain. Not only put up with it, but slog through it, and get the bottoms of your jeans dirty from crashing through the slush as a passing-by car splotches you with water from a puddle on the street. People, myself previously included, tend to romanticize happiness as an experience that just happens - almost like a gift from the Heavens. And it is a gift from the Heavens, in some way. Because the Heavens have gifted man with intellect, and the ability to change, to an extent, the things in man's life that hinder man's functioning and prevent him/her from attaining a more perfect, higher state than the present one.

What I'm saying is, lasting "happiness", which, to me, can be defined as an acquired ability to control and channel depressive thoughts and tendencies, has a practical basis. There are little things you can do to manage depression and make life easier on yourself. I believe when you convert those principles into practices, the gray, black, and blue colors will fade out, one shade at a time, until you're able to look situation X (depression, for example) in the face, and say to yourself, "Okay, this is X. I know X, because I've learned to recognize it. X isn't working for me - I have the power and the practical tools to change X to Y. And if X is a constant K at value Lifetime, at least now I know the way to deal, and to create my own hopeful beginnings and terminations."

Without further machinations, here are my tips for keeping happines in your life >.>

a) Don't just accept, but make peace with, your current state of being, financial, physical, spiritual, or otherwise. "I will love you through it." Laissez-passer. A word of advice a doctor once shared with me, meaning "let it pass". Don't push yourself to be happy. Just work through the current situation, one step at a time.

b) Wear lively colors. When I was seventeen, I got hit by one of the most stubborn and emotionally oppressive periods of depression I have been through in my life - I'm a bright-color enthusiast, but when that happened, I lost a lot of self-confidence and dressed in drab variants of black and gray. Then one day, I had to put on a white dress and pink rose-shaped earrings for a play I was in. An absolutely ridiculous (delightfully so) get-up, I'm convinced, to this day - but the effect on my mood and persona was noticeable right away, not just to me. My co-actor R beamed at me and said, "Wow. You look beautiful. Fresh colors suit you." And I felt like my proper self again, not some depressed old lady. You don't have to go overboard with color, like I do, if that's not your thing. But just spruce up your clothes-palette a little - or wear something amusing, like mismatched socks or sparkly eyeshadow. Keep it within your comfort zone, and it will boost your mood, trust me.

c) Eat well. I'm not saying pig out. That leads to a set of problems - anorexia nervosa and bulimia come to mind. But don't, under any circumstances, deprive yourself. Stay healthy, make sure you have your greens, proteins, and all the good stuff in between, but save room for dessert, figuratively (and literally speaking). "Dessert last" is my motto - but there will be dessert.

d) Get an amount of sleep that's suitable for your body. Some people need more than seven hours of sleep per night, others can function just fine on less. But I'd say, aim for six. When you don't sleep enough, your decision-making faculties become impaired, and there's a higher chance to act on impulse and do something stupid and detrimental to your well-being in some way. That would make me more depressed, at least. Plus, your brain cells need sleep to regenerate, and work on getting the nasty thoughts under control. Sleep is a gift because it closes chapters for you that, were they permanently open, would make life too grim to bear.

e) Limit your interaction with technology. I'm not saying de-activate your Facebook account, like I did (for a while, anyway), but don't social-network more than you have to. Answer your necessary e-mails, Tweets, fb messages, Skype calls and such, and then turn off the computer, put away the Smartphone, let the TV sit on it, and revert to something more organic.

f) Have a hobby that you're interested in. Ideally, it would be something you're passionate about. But, believe it or not, I've met people in my life who aren't passionate about anything - that terminology hasn't been printed down in their Dictionary of Coldness, ever. But do something that gets you out of yourself, while still helping you to work on yourself and build self-esteem and confidence. Hobbies that work towards such goals are usually sports- and creativity-oriented, as opposed to "stamp-collecting" (but if that works for you, enjoy it - I won't stop you, as long as it works).

g) Don't isolate yourself emotionally. Let at least one person know what you're up against - this softens the shameful edge I've found silent suffering to be cornered with, and it enables the other person to monitor your behavior if necessary. That way, if things get really severe, to the point that you feel suicidal, someone knows, and can stop you in your tracks if they suspect you're up to something deadly. But don't pick just anyone - preferably this would be a trusted adult, if you're a teen or kid reading this, or a good friend, family member, lover, etc.

h) Interact with good friends. I'm not talking about a large circle of shallow friendships, but one or two really good life companions who can see your tears, stomach your secrets, and uplift you with their loyalty and positivity. If you hang around negative people, or worse, boxed-in folks (a special strand of negativity in itself), you're not going to feel positive and bubbly and excited about life, that's for sure. And if your friends try to get in the way of you and your positive outlook, then screw them - they're not the type of friends you want to have around, anyway.

i) HAVE FUN. Be nice to your inner child, and don't ignore her or him. Way to know if an activity (or lack thereof) is "fun": the purpose of the something in question is nothing other than to bring pleasure to yourself. Watching an educational movie can be entertaining, but it isn't necessarily pure FUN. A round on the swings - that doesn't serve a productive sort of purpose, but it brings a good deal of pleasure. Being affectionate with your pet dog is fun, too. Sex and partying are different matters. I don't qualify those as "fun" - too many undercurrents involved.

j) Give, give, give. The Universe and yourself are in a constant state of flux, and exchange amongst yourselves. Don't keep in what the Universe has bestowed upon you. Share with your brothers and sisters. Do charitable work. Communicate your ideas. Split your sandwich with that homeless person you pass by every day as you go to work. Eliminate prejudice from your heart, fill it with compassion, and bingo - you're on a surefire path to XtaC.

k) Get in touch with the spiritual. Personally, I'm a believer in God, the tangible, everyday reality of energetic vibrations between myself and the Universe, past-life experiences and, to a lesser extent, the paranormal. Sharpen your intuition. Question. Seek knowledge, and believe. Pray to the world you live in - feel deeply the linkage between you and the trees, birds, and waters. As the world "advances" (in the material sense, only in the material sense), we get more depressed as a bunch of creatures. I wonder why. Please don't start telling me there's no proof as to God's existence - that's common, and an irrational belief in itself. It's the stupid stuff television and the media brainwashes the young generation with - "rationalism", indeed. If you're really a seeker, and seek with open eyes and heart, not like a half-blinded sheep, you'll be able to read the signs. What you make of those confirmations of the Universal Power is up to you, though.

Caution:

l) Hang around children. I've heard and read that advice when it comes to improving a depressed state. This can be problematic, as hanging around children will highlight your sense of isolation and "difference" from the madding crowd, and might push you into your brooding state even more. Also, kids can be cruel. Tread carefully with this one.

m) Have sex. A common symptom for diagnosing depression is loss of libido. If you're feeling shitty about yourself and your body, pushing through sexual activity is likely to push your self-esteem and joy levels down further. Also, certain Venus and Mars signs are inequipped for dealing with casual sex. Usually, people with Venus in a mutable sign (Virgo, Pisces, Sagittarius, Gemini) are better able to treat sex like having a glass of juice. As for moi, my Venus is in Scorpio (that's fixed Water) - sex? Casual? More like the meaning of life and death, aside from being an intense spiritual communion with the Higher Power. I've noticed that men with Venus in Virgo (the sacred prostitute), and women with Venus in Pisces (the fallen angel), tend towards promiscuity. I had a friend with Venus in Virgo, and I promise you he changed girls every two days. Totally beyond me. Scorpio-dominant girl has spoken.

Well, friends, that's all I'm disposed to say at the moment. I'm really SLEEPY, and I'm going to take my own advice and get a good night's sleep, which I didn't manage to achieve yesterday. Here's wishing you health, contentment, peace, and a sprinkling of radost.

Questions? Comments? Your go-to agony aunt, at this address: bemgcasrbaquarian@gmail.com

Sweet dreams.

Signed, your friendly Water Bearer.

Quick Gratitude Post :)

Hey there :)

Long time, no update.

I don't really have time for a long, in-depth blog post right about now, or energy, for that matter. It's been a really harsh day with the emotions - they just won't leave me alone. It's the Full Moon, I tell you. It does things to me - I was born under a Full Moon in Pisces, a pretty strong position for the Moon to be in. I have a lot of homework to finish for Cohn's class tomorrow, but I wanna get this out before I go any further into anything else. It's a substitute for the prayer I've been neglecting (purposefully) to do these days. I'm a little scared of what God has to say, which I feel inside myself.

So, anyway, here goes:

I'm grateful for God. I'm grateful for restlessness - it pushes you, ideally, into doing something about the shit that's not working in your life. I'm grateful for the way that looks - "lessness". Loch ness. Lame ness. I'm grateful for school. I'm grateful I get to go there and learn from teachers who know a lot about their areas of expertise, and are friendly and nice to me at the same time. I'm grateful I get to communicate with my classmates, and the people there. I'm grateful for Andy, the counsellor who's listening to my depression stories, and the things burdening me. I'm grateful that he's patient, and sunny, and doesn't yell at me or put me down or judge me to my face. He does his job right. I'm grateful for people who decide to live life with honesty and integrity. I'm grateful for my personal moral code. I'm grateful for making mistakes. I'm grateful for being lucky. I'm grateful for getting away with certain things thus far. That's only by God's grace. I'm grateful for my health. I'm grateful for my mother's health, and psychological wellbeing, and inspirational strength. Keeps me going, too. My Leo mother - exactly like the Sun. Uranus is relentlessly dark, cold, and cheerless, but the Sun is warm and dignified. The luminescence to my night. Enough. I'm grateful for my brother's improving health. I'm grateful he misses me. I miss you, too, baby. I'm grateful I don't have any deformities in my body, especially any that prevent me from running around. I'm grateful for beauty. I'm grateful for attractiveness. I'm grateful, at times, for repulsiveness. If you can repel the wrong sorts of people by some natural quirk, go for it. I'm grateful this isn't making sense to me anymore. I'm grateful for not making sense. I'm grateful for predictability, especially in others - "predictable" cannot always be said about me. I'm grateful for inner strength. I'm grateful for good friends. I'm grateful for being good with words. I'm grateful for the stuff I've written so far. I'm grateful for the chance to write. I'm grateful for people who support my writing. I'm grateful for living in Prague. I'm grateful for my looney laugh. I'm grateful for straight teeth. I'm grateful for red hair. I'm grateful for Patrick Sean Bradley's beautiful voice touching my emotions. "If music be the food of love, play on." I'm grateful for good rappers. I'm grateful for internet. I'm grateful for the decision I made to deactivate Facebook for a while. I'm grateful I changed the name of this blog to "The Curious Eggplant" - the name will probably get changed every once in a while. I'm grateful for my job. I'm grateful I can find work doing what I'm good at, and what I'm interested in. I'm grateful for belief. I'm grateful for resilience. I'm grateful for weakness. I'm grateful for chances to learn. I'm grateful for people who don't believe in me. I don't know why, I just am. I'm grateful for the fact that I haven't shut down emotionally, despite all that's happened in my life to try and push me down that way. I'm grateful I still believe in the beauty and vision of my dreams. I'm grateful I haven't let my childish side die - it's been said that the tragedy of life is not death, but the death of all the little hopes and joys and manifestations of faith that we let go of along the way to the grave. I'm grateful I breathe normally. I'm grateful for my friendship with H. I'm grateful for all those years we spent. Sometimes not together in mind, sure. But in soul, all the time. At the same time, I'm grateful that's over. I'm grateful for moving on. I'm grateful for letting go. I'm grateful for challenge. I'm grateful for money. I'm grateful for helpful neighbors and people. I'm grateful that Pope Benedict quit. I'm grateful for spontaneously sweet people. I'm grateful for good hugs. I'm grateful for real smiles. I'm grateful for being REAL. That's the best thing about me - I've allowed myself to be real, which is something not many people allow. I'm grateful for being old. I'm grateful for being young. I'm grateful for wisdom. For naivete. I'm grateful for glasses. I'm grateful for lips. I'm grateful for all the sexy PEOPLE in the world. I'm grateful for cute animals. Also, I'm grateful for vegetables, and Rumi's wise words.

I'm grateful for a lot of things. I think once you put aside your unhappiness, lust, passion, remorse, shame, fear, guilt, or whatever it is you're going through, and see the bigger picture of things in your life (which, oddly enough, comes from examining details, little snippets of joy existent within your world, external and internal), you can be content, over time - if not un-sad, un-blue, un-depressed, then at least content. It's not perfect, but it's a start. Gets you away from the individual trees - despite the decay and rot of trees and greenery that goes on day to day on the forest floor, the forest sure is a sight, isn't it?

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
 and rightdoing there is a field.
 I'll meet you there.

 When the soul lies down in that grass
 the world is too full to talk about."

- My friend Rumi.

Blessed be your nights and days - pray to God. There is no safety or strength save in God, whatever that means to you.

Signed, your friendly Water Bearer. Bearing water since 1994. Eighteen beautiful years, baby. What a ride it's been :)

The naked truth, the Green Wall, and zero.

Hi :))

This is one of those blog posts intended more for my release rather than making a point about something, so this will probably come out very minutiae-oriented.

I just wanna talk about my day, and the feelings that took me through the past few hours.

So...

I woke up in the morning - quite a sensible thing to do, don't you think? Otherwise I would have waded through all this time semi-comatose and rather livid. I drank vitamin C - another sensibility when you're living with this European weather. Although the frost hasn't bitten me yet. Let's not jinx the situation. I fed my good-for-nothing husband Isaiah, a reddish, keen-eyed creature pertaining to the biological genus Felis catus. Then I left to sing at the conservatory. Music is something I used to be passionate about. And I'm finding I still am passionate about it. It's just this: I have a tendency to misplace things. I store my keys in the refrigerator, and the eggplant goes into my suitcase. That's fine, an eggplant in the suitcase - that way the keys can get some good ole frozen haytch-two-oh. But I'm starting to learn that misplacing friendships, romances, duties, familial ties, and passions is a thing to be avoided whenever possible - it makes your life so much more complicated than it has to be. There's a good thing, however, to being a misplacer, rather than a loser, of objects and things - you can always find what you're looking for again. It's there, when you bother to look underneath the pizza-stained jeans clamming up your floor (NOT my case anymore, bitches. I actually cleaned up my clothing a few days ago - how long such a streak can continue is another matter, not to be discussed immediately, please. I'm riding off the high of newfound "organization"). Speaking of cleanliness, one particular high note the missing of which has given me an acute degree of tension in the past, has been cleaned up rather nicely. And I'm feeling more secure when it comes to my trillo. I like clean high notes.

I don't have much time, and I'd like to finish this post before I leave for the evening. So I'll skip over the details of wandering around the city after school - I did it as a de-stressing exercise. Lately I've been running about too much, scattering energy - the Czech way of life has gotten to me just a little, I'll admit. Look at how I feel like I need to justify wasting time. "You need to spend time, to make time." That's a thing worth telling myself. Nothing wrong with wandering physically, when you know that's what your mind will do if you sit down and try to do something "productive". There's time for that. That time wasn't this matinee, though. So I had lunch in a soporific, lulling place, and read my book, the original dystopian novel, We, until something unpleasant happened... people started coming in. It got noisy, and I understood what a rat caught in a jar feels - a desire to sink its teeth into a piece of cheese, in silence. So I left that place, with the Green Wall and the Ancient House wistfully going about in my head, and I let myself, like the rat's teeth, sink into a world of green water, and I felt for the rest of the day. I was transformed into those teeth, and I am glad for this metamorphosis into another kind of bone, one designed to cut deeper and stronger. My borders are a little skewed. My mind went back to an encounter I had recently with someone whose vibration I had shared in a past life, and I realized, "I've met this soulmate X before, in the past life Y". How happy I felt, to know that this was real and I was not imagining. But I could be. I could be self-deceiving.

I want to share some quotes from this book that I'm reading, mainly so that I don't forget them myself:

"For every equation, every formula in the superficial world, there is a corresponding curve or solid. For irrational formulas, for my √-1, we know of no corresponding solids, we've never seen them... But that's just the whole horror - that these solids, invisible, exist. They absolutely inescapably must exist. Because in mathematics their eccentric prickly shadows, the irrational formulas, parade in front of our eyes as if they were on a screen. And mathematics and death never make a mistake. And if we don't see these solids in our surface world, there is for them, there inevitably must be, a whole immense world there, beneath the surface."

"And the natural path from nullity to greatness is this: Forget that you're a gram and feel yourself a millionth part of a ton."

"Human history ascends in spirals, like an aero. The circles vary, some are gold, some are bloody, but all are divided into the same 360 degrees. It starts at zero and goes forward: 10, 20, 200, 360 degrees - then back to zero. Yes, we've come back to zero - yes. But for my mind, thinking in mathematics as it does, one thing is clear: This zero is completely different, new. Leaving zero, we headed to the right. We returned to zero from the left. So instead of plus zero, we have minus zero. Do you understand?"

"Who is this "We"? Who am I?"

I want to go back to the "zero" introduced by Zamyatin - when I read this thought in the restaurant, my mind rotated in shock, and I did a double take. No, I did not want to understand. I read it again. We are all living in a great big state of zero. This zero is the culmination of esoteric truth, which is why the zodiac sign Scorpio, symbolic of the unveiling of that which is hidden, in addition to the restorative/destructive force that pushes the universe towards continuity, vibrates to the number zero. What is zero, save for the Scorpion devouring its own tail? Yin and yang meet within this perfect elliptical space. Today, I am aware I am a zero. Every experience in my life, every thought, every encounter, every chance at merging, goes to completion. The energy that propels my life is a curved string in projectile motion, intercepting a given point until it has no choice but to touch upon itself at the "endpoints", for does not a curve carry within itself the possibility of becoming "linearized"? But the line, when uncurved and straightened-out, is problematic, because it takes us away from the ellipse of the zero, which is the closest orbit to truth in which I personally have rotated.

Today there were proofs of my intimate association with the zero in front of my very eyes, felt in my soul, and projected now into words, however immaturely.

The first one was the soulmate memory/realization, which I won't go into now. Too time-consuming, and I just want to finish this.

Another proof struck me when walking down that horrible park towards the Muzeum metro station near the center of Prague. Near the grass, two junkies were shooting up. This is the second time I see junkies shooting up in my "tangible" life, not on a movie screen or anything; the first time was last week, at the same metro station. I don't like this truth being thrown into my face without my consent. Yet here it is. The harsh, unmasked reality, a nude wretch bleeding out of its polluted genitalia. Kids get to see these sights, hurray. Kids at the chronological age, but more poignantly, kids at heart as well. I stopped and looked at one of the junkies, tried to lock into his face. He looked at me. I was too shocked and frustrated to think about it at the time, but him and I form the same Scorpion. We are the same zero. My innocence (read: ignorance) is the tail, to be devoured via the needle inserted into a vein. A third proof was my location of a personal Green Wall and Ancient House - the swingset facing the duck pond in Letnany, and the duck pond itself. When I was in the air today, myself and the swing yet another zero, I felt I could have been a bird. I felt another dimension expand itself unto me, to accomodate me into its life-plan. Today is a half of the zero in which I understand. Other days have filled in, and shall fill in, with God's grace, the other half of the curve. I would rather live in this truth, no matter how ugly and hurtful and mean, than in that half-world of lies that illusion brings. That junkie separates from the zero. But through me, for my own unfathomable reasons, he is reunited with that truth in the same moment. Today. I am an ocean in the drop, to quote Rumi. I am not a hydrogen atom that does not follow the duet rule, and imitate the all-knowing, all-balanced zero of Helium; I am a filled orbital, with electrons of opposed spin coexisting inside me. Today. But that shall be gone some other day. And that, my friends, is all a part of that absolute, wonderful zero. Now you know why zero is neither a plus or a minus. It is both. And none. It is beyond. Simply.

Now then, blog readers, I've got to bounce off. I'm going to have dinner with an ex-monk tonight, and talk.

My e-mail is: bemgcasrbaquarian@gmail.com

Have a safe, blessed evening.

Signed, your friendly Water Bearer.