Halloa :D
Well, I'm writing in red. For the record, red is one of my favorite colors, along with aquamarine. That's such a girl thing to say. Only women (and maybe some gay guys) actually use words like "aquamarine", "aubergine", and "peach" to describe colors. I could just say "blue". But there are different types of blue. Language is so varied, and that is part of its advantage, beauty, and ultimately its confusing character. Wow. What a strong statement. lol. By the way, it's been said that you can safely perceive people who wear blue as being loyal, stable, and reliable sorts. And you know what? I've found it to be true. My best female friend from high school always used to wear some variant of the color blue, usually a medium shade, and she's one of the most persistent women I've met, very constant in her concern for her friends and other loved ones, and unswerving in her devotion to causes and people alike. This friend has a Taurus ascendant. Incidentally, one of my musical colleagues in Lebanon was a Taurean, and he also wears those same shades of blue that my school-buddy does. And one of my earlier sweethearts exhibited similar personality traits to these other two people, and was partial to blue. WHAT am I talking about? I didn't intend to go into color analysis and its linkage to horoscopes. Actually, what do I ever intend to talk about through this blog? I have further elaboration to make upon that rhetorical question, but first, let me just say that I for one never, never liked the color blue. I won't say I have a deceitful temperament, but I've proven to myself a propensity for playing games and being manipulative emotionally and mentally. I'm being honest with myself. I'd like to believe I'm an all-righteous and politically correct chick, but I'm not that way all the time. It's the subtle, light nuances of deception I enjoy. The funny thing is, as with most game-players, at the core I'm deceiving myself first, with the playing of others coming almost as an after-thought. But I like the aqua color. It's pretty.
Back to my "rhetorical device". A question that's been going around in my head since the weekend, I'd say, is, "Why do you still update this blog?" Sure, it's really nice (miraculous, actually, to that mysticism-inclined mind of mine - read that - illusion-prone and lie-susceptible) to interact with readers of this effort in cyber-space, and writing this blog gives me something to do with those hours I can't find a better way to kill. But I don't get any money for this, and it distracts me from my writing, as in, the novel I should have psychologically prepared myself to continue months ago, and the two short stories I'm working on now, the newer one taking top priority. You know, I should have done this, I should have done that. There are lots of opportunities that have passed me by. Many chances I could have taken, but haven't. I should have done. But I have not done. So, what's done is done. The past can't be brought back, no matter how much we try. I only know my natural tendencies, and I'm quite aware of what I'm working with abilities-wise. Not just literary-talent-speaking, but also taking into consideration my levels of energy, procrastination, will-power, and tangible "pen-to-paper" results (or rather, hand-to-keyboard, in these days and times). I am limited by this set of tools, and I cannot overextend myself beyond the available sledgehammers in the toolshed. Correction. I shall not. I could, but I won't. I still remember the dangers of pushing yourself to bring to life an expectation that a) Isn't necessarily your own and b) Is mighty unrealistic at a given point and under defined circumstances in life. A nervous breakdown or two will teach anyone. To cut a long story short, I am quite aware this blog is "getting me nowhere".
But I'll continue to write. At least for now, in these moments, it's a sensible enough thing to do. This was started primarily as one of those things for me, for the happiness and entertainment and yes, even release (at points and intervals, you understand) of my soul. Don't underestimate the power and healing potential of those little things that you think don't matter, which actually matter a lot to you and the omission of which from your lives takes away a few extra specks of light from your respective existences. You find this a lot with most people. May I dare to say all? There are things that are engraved so deeply into our natures, that constitute such vital and necessary parts of the essence of a given human being, that keep being closed off and muffled in favor of some vague external expectation or ideal a person is trying to live up to. You give up doing what you're good at because your family doesn't think you have what it takes. Your fiance guilts you into leaving a career that fucking means something to you, telling you to chillax, that it doesn't matter. Well, nothing really matters. So you've got to make your own meanings out of things. No use following completely in anyone's footsteps - your path will never be the same as theirs. My mother knits. My brother plays video games. My father used to paint. I need to write. I need to sleep seven hours at least per night to feel normal. And it has to be at night. As in, asleep by eleven something P.M. And I need a balanced schedule. I need an equal mix of friends and work (okay, with maybe a little extra helping of work, on the side, you know - workaholic hang-up from the IB days). I need alone time. I need romance. These are "little" things. But go ahead. Screw up the balance of power of your life, and see where it gets you. Take it from someone who knows, and just don't. The only thing that got me was a crazy psychological episode. It got me an episode, for Heaven's sake.
It's always been important to me, figuring out what's really making me tick. One of my biggest interests is following the road of understanding what makes people do what they do. I'm so bloody bored as I'm writing this, but I want to follow through with this post. I think it's because I'm chill that I'm not motivated to write something smart-sounding tonight. So, I'll just list a bunch of random things that I think are worth mentioning. It's worth remembering that for whatever amount of time you remain alive in your current incarnation, you're stuck with this psyche you're given. So you can't overburden it with too much expectation from people. Some restrictions ought to be heeded. You're certainly not reading the words of a true liberal here, rest assured. But you need to make sure that your most driving and pivotal desires are taken care of, and made peace with, or else you're headed for an ugly life indeed, with maybe Hell to pay. So, I'm sorta shutting off now. My prosaic list:
a) Today was my first day teaching English. It's great. I've always pegged myself as a teacher sort. My benevolent-dictator side is quite happy with such arrangements. Also, I'm quite didactic, in case you haven't picked that up yet.
b) A fellow writer lent me Kafka's "Metamorphosis" to read because he found one of my works quite Kafka-esque. I like that he lent me that book of his. Safe travels to Scandinavia, buddy (that's my spirit telecommunicating).
c) My new phone is one of those stupid touch-phones. It's so hard to text with those. Fuck the new world. Fuck modernity. I wanna go back to horses on the streets (I've seen that in Dahye, in Lebanon, btw. Lebanese readers will know the especial humor in that) and hoop skirts and pantalets. Except, I would want to be a man during those times, because it really sucked for women. In my past life, I wish I had been the ferocious Jonathan Swift, or one such philosophical firebrand.
d) Asmahan is also a cool choice for a past-life experience. I read about that. One writer described her past-life experience of being Asmahan.
e) Today I leafed through Cosmopolitan in the supermarket. I used to blush when passing by those before, as early as last year, even. But now I don't care. I just look through the sex pages openly and the devil may care who sees. And usually, it's only the devil who cares ;) So, I think most of their sex-tips are pretty lame, and too male-pleasure-centric. It's just "How to please your man". I'm dying to know how my man is going to please me. That would be an article worth picking up. Actually, when both are pleased, something is being done right. Sex should be a balancing act of equality. Should be.
f) Anyway, they had an article that was quite entertaining. It's a bunch of scientific (well, by Cosmo standards anyway) trivia concerning the oh-so-glorious act of sex. Here are some of my findings:
g) Ladies, when a man touches you, you feel three times more heat than when a woman touches you. What if you're a lesbian? AND how have they measured this increase in heat, I wonder? A sexual calorimeter of sorts, perhaps? Is there no such thing out yet in the market? If not, then I'm waiting for a Scorpio with Virgo or Gemini moon and Aquarian ascendant to invent it.
h) A kiss burns five calories. zomfg, get to it, bitches. Are you fucking kidding me? But good to know. Btw, some people have sex just to burn calories. Make of that what you will. I think it's pretty absurd.
i) Wanna feel more horny, mesdames? Hug your man for exactly thirty seconds. Not more. Not less. Exactly that. Gets the oxytocin flowing. That's what's being called the "bonding hormone" by medical TV shows and science-for-dummies-type things.
j) Men think about sex nineteen times a day. For women? A measly ten times. Crap, they're winning.
k) I love some of the diction used in there, like "his penis would be fighting gravity", in reference to the girl-on-top position. trololo
l) Oh, my God. Women older than me get their sexual education and tips from this type of publication. Why are we so unerotic, and more pressingly, so uninformed? That's the most unsexy thing of all. Knowledge = power = sexy. Nothing sexy about stupidity and conformity, ever, to me.
Well, that does it. I'm so fucking bored now, I can't quote any more Cosmo wisdom. But these are actually okay tidbits (lol, tidbits). What gets me giggling is the full-on sex advice. By the way, Uhřineves is quite a nice, remote town on the outskirts of Prague that I went to today. Nice for spending the night there with a boyfriend or girlfriend, making wet love while the snow falls down outside. The woods are a little spectacular. That whole place reminds me of a description of this French town I read last year. The town in Tarascon-sur-Ariege, and it's in the south of France, which I've been to, just not to that village. What's good about Cosmo is the pictures of women. Sometimes.
I'm bored. Ladiduck. Goodbye.
Signed, your friendly Water Bearer.
No comments:
Post a Comment