Bonjour :D
It is two degrees Celsius outside, and it is snowy and clean. I feel like I'm a Russian writer in Siberian exile. Today when I woke up (duh, you tend to wake up in the morning too above all else, don't you?) a metallic wire I could see outside my window was saturated with blue-aura snow. It wasn't even this snowy in February. I would add "for Chrissake" or "Jesus" to that, but I don't want to use the Lord's name in vain :) Anyway, spring is supposed to be next week or something, right? PLEASE come in style.
Anyhoo, today I found out some interesting information about my newest housemate, a chick, ladies and gentlemen, whom I'll refer to as Aquarius. Until recently, I've been living with three guys. I've held back from saying that in Lebanon, since people tend to assume all the wrong things, and will believe what pleases them anyway. Not that the average Czech is so open-minded. It's pretty comfy living with guys - no one bothers you, the place is pretty quiet, and there are no weepy conversations about feelings and boys all the time. Those are fun sometimes, but if you can keep them away from your living-space that's a good deal of brain-drain you'd be saving. But it's really nice to have a girl around. A proper girl, not a slouchy one like yours truly who is messier than all three guys put together. "A lady, to take care of us at last." And she has no English whatsoever. Needless to say, weepy conversations are automatically ruled out. But there has been much observation of sadness, on my part - not so much of the weepy variety. More like something coming out of the core and poisoning this young human being. Anyway, Aquarius just moved in with Capricorn, who is a pretty cool mechanical engineering student, but a heavy drinker with a stellar temper, geared mostly at his equally raucous girlfriend. I keep my distance.
So today, as I was commuting to school, who else should I chance to run into at the bus stop than the other housemate, Taurus. The insurance salesman. Him being chatty, and me being chatty, especially where petty gossip is concerned (a guilty pleasure of mine. I don't actively engage in much of the stuff, but I listen delightedly to generous auditory doses), we got chatting. Shortly enough, we turned to talking about our housemates, just like two old maids. Might as well have bemoaned my creaky ankles to him, lol. And he tells me that Aquarius has a kid in Slovakia. I almost did a double take. My mind certainly did. I had always wondered what the hell kind of fucked-up thing had happened in her life, as that level of sorrow I've witnessed in her doesn't prance into a person's world of its own accord. Not that having a kid is a fucked-up thing. I'm disinclined to look upon it as a beautiful thing, as I'm not fond of babies and have never had too much of a maternal instinct, but okay, to be fair, it isn't fucked-up. But it does tend to fuck up more lives than I can count on my two hands (which is a lotta lives, when you think about it), especially when the kid is had when you're in high school. That was the case with Aquarius. She's twenty-something years old now. The kid hasn't been visited by its mother for over a year now, and he's (insurance man said he reckons it's a "he") living with Grandma and Grandpa. And what is she doing with herself? Well, she's "breathing air". As an Air girl myself, I understand. Sometimes you need to take a breather and float. But as Scorpio dominant, at the same time I don't understand. I'll try not to be too judgmental about this subject matter, as compassion for her has a slight edge over criticism, but my views are rather traditional when it comes to uncalled-for pregnancy and abortion.
Okay. I feel really angry, and personally affronted, upon seeing such a case. Because I know she's definitely not going to benefit the kid's life by being this irresponsible. "Her parents must be so proud", Taurus clinched the report with. If you ask me, what the parents think is of little to no consequence. It's the daughter's life, and she's free to play the game in whatsoever way she pleases. Every person is. If your aspirations are bourgeois, you should aim to achieve something of that caliber. If you want "greatness", in whatever way you define that word, go for it. But if you want to fuck up your soul in some way, you can dig your grave with your own hands. I'm just moved to rage by how there are people in this world, like this girl, who think it's okay to drag someone down with them because of their emotional crap, and to take away another person's freedom. She is taking away the kid's emotional freedom. Because that little boy is going to have to process that desertion when he gets older and, depending on the temperament of the child, one of two things is bound to happen:
a) Either the child will externalize his bitterness and anger through lashing out and self-detrimental behavior (ex: drugs and alcohol, promiscuity, violence), which benefits neither the child nor society at large
b) Or the child will internalize his bitterness and anger until they cut deep enough into his soul to close him off completely from healthy human interactions. Potentially good energy is walled in and converted into self-pity, unrealistic self-image (either exaggeratedly high or low), and trust issues.
Usually it's a variant of the two that human beings go through as an aftermath of events that were experienced as trauma by the person in question. I'm not a psychologist or anything, I'm just conjecturing, and speaking out of personal experience. Following my parents' divorce, I never got to see my father. I didn't consider that a traumatic experience for a long time, and I am the proud owner of quite a stable psyche, so when I find myself internalizing I always self-administer an impressive ego-kick. I can count on one hand the times I've wept over my "loss". But I know other people with divorce issues who aren't as lucky as me. My brother, for instance, took things in a much more emotional way. And I'm worried about this kid in Slovakia who I don't know. The world doesn't need more imbalanced energy because some people don't know how to get their shit together. This will sound very harsh, but if you're the kind of person who's a free-floater, carrying the emotional issues we all accumulate as human beings on the side, you've got no business having kids in the first place. You've also got no business being married. You've got no business toying with the emotions and commitments of people with a more sober outlook than yours. You've also got no business having sex. Tact gone.
It's the lack of open education about sex that causes all this frustration. Parents don't talk to their kids, especially daughters, about safe sex, dammit. The schools prefer to bottle sex up and ignore it like it isn't happening, in many parts of the world, at least (like where I grew up). Parents, your kids are going to have sex, whether you like it or not, whether you try to stop it or not. So you might as well communicate with them. Let 'em know early on about how a condom works, birth control, STDs, tracking a menstrual cycle. I think a lot of parents don't talk about this stuff with their kids because they have an unrealistic image of their kids as "the best kid in town". "Oh, my kid would never do that." But they do. And they get away with it, 'rents, because you're too blinded by false pride to really catch their behavioral cues. Also, I think many people of the older generation don't have an up-to-scratch sex education themselves. If people spoke more openly about sex, there would be less incentive to have the "secret" kind of sex which holds an appeal to many adolescents. And the probability of accidental teen pregnancies happening would decrease. And then less people would have to get abortions.
Now I hope I don't contradict myself. I've always been undecided about abortion. Emotionally, I lean towards NOOOOOOO. BUT if the parent in question is still mentally a kid and consequently will not relinquish the free-floater lifestyle to raise a child physiologically, mentally, and spiritually, then maybe it's better if the child is aborted while it's still a foetus. BUT the best thing would be not to have sex, protected or otherwise, in the first place. You'll have to hurt a lot of people in life. That's the way of the world. Don't put yourself in a situation where you have to kill off a part of yourself. Especially out of ignorance.
I have reservations against sex for the sake of it. Call me old-fashioned and "grandma-knows-best". Hey, maybe I am. But I know that when you engage in sexual intercourse with another person, you're exchanging energy. You might not have tender feelings towards the person. They may not give you butterflies. But nevertheless, from a physics standpoint, the two (or more) of you are performing work, and converting chemical potential energy into kinetic, heat, and sound energy (I hope there are no lights going off - that would be sound basis for UFO inquisition :p). THe energy of your partner rubs off on you, whether you want it to or not. That's why lovers instinctively know if one or the other is not okay emotionally, or is sick, or in discomfort, or whatnot. You take a part of the other person into your aura. You can be drinking in a good deal of joy, intelligence, passion. Whatever positive attribute you see in the person. At the same time, you're also inhaling all the personality exhaust fumes. So, the next time you want a "casual" fuck, as yourself, "Is this energy good for my life?" It's really sad how the media has tried to turn the way we create life (and death) into something that can be taken ""casually".
I had one particular teacher in high school, who is hands down my favorite teacher of all time. Deep, loving, and empassioned man, with a blunt, fiery way of putting things. All the things I respect in a person. On a personal level, I can't get along with him anymore - mutual stubbornness, resentment on my part, and the revengeful action I took against the wrongs done me, conflict with my ability to look favorably upon this person anymore. BUT he said something I've always remembered. And it's this: when you keep giving love to the wrong people, and you find the right one eventually, your union won't be everything it could have been, had you not placed your love into all those waterless channels. Because you would have reached a point of spiritual depletion. As a result, you do your beloved a disservice, because they only get from you the remnants of what could have been. You don't want to ever deplete your soul, especially for someone who doesn't appreciate you as a whole. You'll have to develop a false personality (thanks for that idea, Southern Belle) to cover up all the emptiness and pain you feel, the crushed idealism pushed even further by sarcasm (the refuge of the weak) and a dismissive manner towards love and sex. Don't do that to yourself. People come and go. But you will have to answer to your own ego as long as you've got breath in your body. Think about it. Feel it out. You could be preventing a crisis of consciousness.
Now, like a good Scales gal, I'm going to contradict myself and post the following video from a documentary about porn. I agree with what she says, and I like the music and visuals.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEK6ce_82D8
So, time for me to go. A good venting exercise for me. I hope I've communicated clearly. There's so much more I could say, and more eloquently, but enough for now. Hasta la vista.
Remember: you have a responsibility to keep the world energetically clean. Be a good humanitarian, and keep it in your corduroys.
Signed, your friendly Water Bearer.
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