Alrighty. Hi there :))
I came across two new words I didn't understand today - "febrile" and "ubiquitous". I want to know what they mean, and I meant to check in the dictionary and out their meanings, but I've procrastinated and feel too lazy to get up from my comfy cushion to go fetch that little blue book of words, a miniature key to the English language. I associated "febrile" with fever of some sort, judging by the context of the word in the novel I've started reading, and I should know what "ubiquitous" means - I've passed over that word many times in novels and in conversation with a friend recently. But I was too shy to ask what it means. I'll find out later today - or tomorrow - or next Thursday. We have a wonderful expression in Lebanese for when you know someone's not going to follow through with something, yourself included - al khamees. And it literally means "Thursday". "When are you going to peel that tomato?" "Thursday." "When are you getting your clit rubbed?" "Thursday." Fantastic. To me, anyway. I'm boring like that :) Shows what a Virgo sun will do to you. The joys of all the compulsive tics I've accumulated over the years - I should compile a catalogue of those. I'll have some nailbiting, with a side of blinking too much, and a smattering of hair-fiddling. Oh, and number patterns running through the head. Let's not forget that. It's fun being born under this sun sign. I've personally never set much stock by solar signs, as my astrologer follows a classification system that doesn't give much heed to all that. But it makes sense, actually. I read up on "Virgo", and I feel I act a lot more like that than an Aquarius - but others tell me I'm very Aquarius-ey. Still, the OCD-like behavior, the clean-freak syndrome, the perfectionism, and aversion to sex - it makes so much more sense now. Also the itchy skin feeling I get when someone doesn't put a comma where there should be one. I feel that character profile describes me perfectly, except the "lacks imagination" part, and "not passionate"- my imagination is over-fertilized, and I am so passionate it freaks others out. It's probably too much Pisces (remedies the unimaginativeness) and Scorpio (you know... passion, and all *blushes*).
No more astrology for now. I don't feel like writing about it now, it takes too much time, and I have to be really clear-headed to churn that stuff out. I am happy to inform you that the weather of today is even more fantastické than that of yesterday. The sun is setting now, and it's RED and perfect. I didn't even have to wear a hat today, and my blood circulation is improving, which it always does with the warmer weather. Please, God, no more snow. Rain, okay. But no more snow. Khalas. I've had enough, it's like adding layers of depression over my spirit, when it's already lonesome and sad and wounded to begin with. And I hate when it gets yucky, from all the people stepping over mounds of it. If it's crispy-white and pure, okay, then it's nice. But it never stays that way. That's what frustrates me the most about perfect things - they don't stay that way. This is why I don't clean my room. If I start on all the horrors that exist there, and make me unable even to wade through the gotterdammerung with my hoover and assess the damage, then I won't stop until the books are alphabetically organized and even the dust turns sparkly - submit to my feather-duster, one and all. But you know, I commented to my friend L about the weather yesterday - a very unoriginal thing to comment about, I know, boo hoo - and how it makes me happy. And he expressed an opposing view to that - when it's dark inside, and the world is bright, all your anger and disappointment are thrown into harsher focus than before, alienating you further from the other piggoes in the pen. I feel more unsmiling today. A little put down. A little low. But nothing that can't be remedied. Which is what this blog post is about. Me tidying up my life. Nothing too major. But I just feel some details need desperate tweakage, or else they'll really screw things up for me.
Okay. Time to brainstorm, and figure out some things that would make my life more pleasant to live, less emotionally searing 24/7. I don't want to establish huge goals yet, as I'm barely straggling on with looking up two new words in the dictionary. But when I ask myself, "What would make your life happier right now?", I come up with the following:
a) I would really like to clean my house. That would make me very, very, VERY relieved. It's necessary for my ego. I remember once I was sitting in my bedroom in Lebanon, crying about something, and I looked around my room and realized, "It's so cluttered on the outside because you're so cluttered within." So I just wanna start removing that clutter, first externally, and then internally, which I'm already kinda doing, though not on the level I would like to. More on that in another point.
b) I want to actually finish all the novels and stories I have to finish for school. Usually I just won't read certain books. Sparknotes has been my best friend throughout my literary education thus far. I get so nervous when I'm given a deadline for finishing a book, and what happens is I can hardly read through the first few pages because I'm anxious about absorbing everything there is to absorb. Then I feel it can't be done, and give up, because I can't bear the thought of an imperfect reading experience. But lately I've sorta given up on that, and have just reverted to getting the general idea and making sure I have enough information to manipulate into discussion material for class. But it feels like a waste of an education not to read those books - I want to fill my brain with books, not blurbs. In short, my friendship with Sparknotes has become rather disappointing. So I'll try to get through a bunch this week.
c) I want to actively learn Czech. Like actually open the book that's been sitting there collecting dust (along with an undefined alimentary substance on its front page), and read the examples, and do the exercises, and write out the grammar rules. At my high school, a friend of mine was critiqued by our Biology teacher for not studying, but only relying on whatever information he hears. I'm kinda like that. I just absorb words and ideas and feelings from the environment around me, recycle and renew them, and spew them out. I barely did any active studying in high school, and I don't do too much of that now that I'm in college :p Not about to start now, either. I coast by on what I know - it works, since I know a lot about the things I'm supposed to know about to get good grades. But it would be nice to really drink in this new language. It was given me rather accidentally, when I decided to stay here in Prague. And I feel like if it's in front of me, why not take it?
d) I want to do choir again. It's funny - why would a music student, and a voice major at that, not already be in the conservatory choir? To be honest, I'm not sure what to make of that choir. I've seen them live, and they're okay, but I can see why people have been telling me choir isn't taken too seriously at this school. Well, either way, I'm gonna check it out tomorrow. I hope it's not so bad. But I also wanna join a proper, traditional choir, like the one I was in before. If I have to sing almost-tenor lines again, though, I will scream. Not really. I love singing alto.
e) I want to meditate and pray more regularly. I'm not talking about re-living that August 2012 of vegetables, om namah shivaya, and no masturbation, but I just need to sit down more often with my thoughts and not try to move myself away from them so damn much. Also, I want to try and get back to the hellish Shree Guru Gita. The last time I tried to meditate to it, my body heated up all over, my left leg started to twitch, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. It's doing its job, alright. But it's so profound and real. There's no escape from the pain, and the love you feel in the moment, when you're going through that ritual. But I think first, some plain meditation. Then, I'm going Gita.
f) I want to continue going to the psychologist. I'm learning to see my desires and needs in a new light, not excluding the ways in which I deal with those. I was skeptical, but all in all it's proving to be good for me.
g) I want to get more music done in a day.
h) I want to continue writing.
i) I want to, later on, take many short trips. I just need to get the above sorted out a little, particularly the school stuff, and then I want to circulate and move around.
j) I don't know if I want to make a habit out of going to church. I'm not convinced that carrying out rituals just for the sake of maintaining a pattern is a good thing. It's hindered me spiritually before. For example, when I was a kid, I would pray every night before falling asleep. Eventually, I started to dread, and ultimately resent, prayer. I don't want that to happen. And the church is far from me. The practical time/distance considerations can't be ignored. But I'd like to go this week, to the mass. We'll see.
h) I want to become more emotionally self-sufficient. I don't want to feel like I need another person, especially a romantic partner, to make me feel emotionally secure and comforted. I want to be my own best friend and love before I suffocate other people with my emotional demands. I now see that my past relationships have fallen apart because I projected upon the other person my emotional neediness, and expected them to meet those unrealistic requirements. When I was a tween and teen, I was always disappointed with the lack of emotional bonding between myself and my mother. I remember constantly complaining that she never asked to know me, deeply. But then when she would try to do that, I would accuse her of prying into my life. Now that I'm a little (only a little, you understand) more "mature" (whatever that means, at my chronological age), and have taken some distance from that situation, I realize that she did, and does, love me. But we have different ways of expressing love. Her way is not my way, and I don't want to force her anymore to adopt my method. I want to keep her free. I want to let any resentment go. I forgive a lot of what went wrong between us two. Not everything, yet, but I'm trying. There's one thing I'm not sure I'll ever really forgive, but maybe in time.
Well. That's enough goal-making. If I put more stuff, I get the feeling I'd be adding more load to my life at the moment than I need. I wanted to say "work for charity", but now I'm hesitating about that. When I am going to have time for that? I'll see about it - how can I help others if my head isn't screwed on straight in the first place? So, I'm gonna go now, and sleep. I am so tired. As always, sleepy. I guess I'll update later on how things are going. And I'll write more self-helpy stuff - as soon as I get myself helped first.
Bye :)
Signed, your friendly Water Bearer.
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