Hey there readers :))
Let's start with the formalities... Merry christmas, since tonight is Christmas Eve, and, in case I don't post on this blog around the New Year, Happy New Year as well.
It's really nice... I woke up feeling much more light than I've been feeling lately, not bogged down by all this spiritual weight that I've managed to accumulate since being here, in Lebanon. Before I start on anything, I should give you guys some updates, just so you can contextualize some of my talk, I guess. Excuse my style today, the words and discourse aren't flowing as smoothly as in some of my other blog posts.
Anyhoo, I've been in Beirut, Lebanon for a week now. I'm here to see my family, friends, and "chill" during the holiday season, an excuse for coming which I find prepostrous. There's no such thing as "chilling" for me in Lebanon. This isn't the place I come to when I wanna get casual. These cities, these rooms I wander in, the empty streets and the vacant restaurants, they hold difficult and uncomfortable memories, for the most part. There are daemons seeping out of the nooks and cranies, trying to get at me with their unhappy thoughts. I really do think places absorb the energy we infuse them with, and project it back at us. Now that I'm back in my childhood home, I feel this haunted energy pervading my house all the more clearly. This place always had the feel to me of never being lived in, even when it was crowded. Clinical. Perfunctory. Sterile. No love can grow here. No life. Only the imagined sort. Maybe that's why I dreamt so much as a child, and this is surely why I'm dreaming so much now that I've been back. Always dreams, dreams, dreams, because there's no reality but sadness in this country. People are miserable here. Their eyes are all saying, "Give me something to hold onto, that isn't hatred, or war, or enmity. Give me something to do, emotions to feel, a faith to believe." In short, "Give me my life back." Beirut, I so want you to have your life back. What a beautiful life it could be here, like before, when Beirut was the "pearl of the Middle East", or whatever you want to call it. I was in Byblos, an ancient port town [with one of the oldest harbors in the world, mind], late last night, browsing through the yellowing pages of pictures at this museum established by an old sailor, now deceased. The museum is filled with memories of a world long gone, a natural order to life that doesn't exist now in this lovely city which I can't help loving and hating all at once. Beirut was beautiful, Beirut was bright. Full of beautiful women out in the sun enjoying themselves, world-famous personalities coming around to see what all the clamor is about. But I couldn't stay in that museum for long - I wafted through the rooms like a ghost, and treated every item I came across with a studied nonchalance. It was the reek of memories that got me so uncomfortable, I've now come to realize, during this lucid "morning-after". Beirut is no longer glamor. No longer beauty, and passion. There's nothing here but Cold, and Empty. The fire has to be rekindled from scratch. And this is why I left, and why so many of us leave, this is the reason at the root. We don't want our young lives to be built up after a model of death, and broken hopes, and a disgusting nest of memories left out in the open like a festering wound. It's sick, but there's nothing of life here, not even a semblance of it. There is an emptiness of the soul, and I feel the city's emptiness pervading my skin and trying to make me a part of it.
Only I'm too happy. I'm too basically happy, and hopeful, and insistent on finding joy everywhere I go, in all the situations I'm thrown in (by fate, and usually with the intervention of myself). There's a long life to come, with God's grace. I have faith in the plan the Universe has in store for me. I believe in my ideals and live true to myself. That's good. My moral code, admittedly, is not the acceptable code that society preaches to its young people (Eastern society and, at its root, Western society) - many aspects of my life do not comply with the standards of how a good life should be. And I feel pangs of guilt, and anguish, at being apart from society in these ways, almost like I'm living two lives. But you know, I've never mentally complied with these washed-out ethics to begin with. My mind was always in opposition, I have to admit that. This is the first time in my life in which I actually go out on a thin, wobbly limb and do something for my soul, and let myself live, goddamit. So naturally, I'm going to feel pain. Society creates mores and rules to imprison those who feel genuinely alive in this illusion that their lives are damned, and wrong, and unsatisfying. I'm alive, and I'm feeling. Those are important things to maintain, in any sojourn on this earth. I'm warm, I'm friendly, I'm passionate. Those are strengths to be treasured, surely, and I'm glad I have them. Without these qualities my life would be considerably more difficult to follow through with. I'm forward-pushing, and stubborn, and I believe in myself. These help too. So you see, I really have no reason to be unhappy in this life. No matter how difficult the situations are, and might be, I have the necessary tools to beat the odds. The Universe has energy for me to tap into. There are horizons to be expanded, and thoughts to be explored. God has a loving nature, and would never leave a creation of His/Hers/Whatever-Other-Possessive-Pronoun without that Universal energy supply to fall back on, when their own energy is lowed-out. Everything is energy. Cats and dogs are energy, nature, glass, emotions, thoughts. All of it is an active force in the expansion of the Universe. I'm happy. I'm sad. It's all a state of being. It's about saying, "Negative thoughts are here. But I choose to not let negative thoughts obstruct my path to positive thoughts, which breed positive results." When thoughts are in your head, let's say they're charged with potential energy - vibrations that haven't been released to the world yet. But they still contain energy, and therefore power, and the innate ability to be utilized for work. So it follows, logically, that exerting all this negative thought energy will eventually bring out negative work (or experiences of this lifetime). If we'd just angle the camera slightly, and see our lives through kinder, more forgiving and hopeful eyes, we would bring about the positive experiences we want. Why am I talking so much about positivity, and "happiness"? Well, I hope you've been able to deduce through this blog post that I haven't been feeling too cheery lately. I find questions about my life popping up at a rate equivalent to that of exponential bacterial reproduction, I keep wondering why I have this and not that, I keep thinking. That's the problem. Focusing on what you don't have, what you think is wrong in your life, but really isn't. When I have simple moments in which thoughts don't obstruct my broad-spectrum vision, I feel happy. That use of the word "feel" was a very spontaneous soul-reaction, by the way. It proves that the true way to happiness lies in the depths of the human heart. The heart is a quiet place, full of peace and joy. The mind, on the other hand, could benefit from some military drill training.
Which brings me to the topic of soulmates. No more murky moods (or, in reality, even murkier moods to surface in this blog post - you be the judge).
I believe in soulmates.
There, I said it, I put it out there. I'm going to be putting a lot of ideas out there that society teaches us to dismiss as children's tales, and all grades of nonsense. But you know, I've seen the soul-union happen in the lives of people around me, and in my own life in particular. In my life in Lebanon I've had two soulmate experiences that can be counted as genuine. One of these soul experiences is detailed in some of the more wistful, melancholy posts on this blog. I don't care to talk about any of these soul experiences in-depth, for the world to see. Let's just say that recently, I prayed to the Universe and to God to reunite me with one of these twin souls if it is destined for our paths to cross again, and the Universe has answered yet another one of my prayers. I am so happy that this soul is evolving along with mine, that we vibrate to a similar rhythm. I'm not too sure if a soul connection can ever be cancelled out. You still carry on with the person, even if they're miles away, or physically dead. I'm going to throw a pop-culture quote at you now that summarizes a belief I have about soulmates:
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
This is from Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I believe in this attempt at defining the concept of the soulmate, since it's practical. It's functional, and it works. In many cases, it doesn't make sense that two people could go on living with each other forever. What if one dies, or is a world traveler, or circumstances don't allow two people to be together? But at the same time, I think that soulmates have the ability to divine one another's states of being despite physical distance. Look, I don't want to start on another round of psychobabble philosophizing. Enough. I just wanna say what's real to me.
In Prague, I've made some of these soul connections as well. Yes, I have two soulmates in Prague, according to the definition above and some more personal convictions of mine. But that's just it. I don't know what I'm going to do with these soul connections. One might tell me, "Nothing. Energy exists between people, and sometimes as the highly-charged vibration of the soulmate level. But that doesn't mean you have to do something with it. Just leave it there." But you see, I can't just leave it there without feeling a little iffy. It's wasted energy, for chrissake. I would be wasting a chance for my soul to learn, and expand along with the rhythm of the Universe. And my soul is learning, and expanding, thanks to my latest soulmates, and I thank you both. I don't know if you know who you are, and I'm not going to drag you people into this blog. But here would be a good moment to say, "Thank you, and I love you", to each one of you.
Now. Why am I thinking of soulmates? Let me tell you. I had a stirring in my spirit around the early hours of the dawn yesterday, and I can tell you this. My spiritual mate and helpmeet (yes, I used that word. YES) is soon to be discovered by me. My soul is ready, and I ask for the enlightenment to truly recognize you, and know you, dear human.
This type of talk is exactly what gets parents hyper, what makes religious institutions angry, and pessimists a little pissy. This next "We" is dedicated especially to the ladies reading this. Ahem. WE, at least, a lot more of us than I would like to have witnessed, have been conditioned not to desire, not to want. You don't show that you want men. Let men come to you. We get labeled all sorts of things when we exhibit our very real desires to the public. I'm not going to use the insipid, plain stupid stuff people say about "loose" women here on my blog. Ladies, indulge in as much pleasure as you want. Nothing wrong with living a human life to the fullest. But I'm not talking about desiring and wanting sexual stuff only. In every area of our lives, we're pigeonholed into some sort of prerequisites for femininity. Fuck it, we're all just souls living out our human experiences. Oh, now I've remembered why I even brought up the sex issue in the first place - sexual pleasure, for example, isn't necessarily a need. It's a desire. And yet so many people insist on labeling it as a need. Why? Because probably, maybe, just maybe, we're afraid of desire, markedly the unfettered female variety. This isn't something new. This subject of the dangers of female desire has been explored before me, with much more eloquence and depth. I'm just derailing a little bit. I only intend to talk about my case.
And it's this:
Feeling that stirring in my soul last night was the first step through the darkness into a new sort of light, the light that makes the fear of my buried-deep desires inconsequential. I am frightened of saying it, and feeling it, and believing in the vision I have of my soulmate. And now I don't want to use the "We". I will make a conscious effort to use the "I". I have always been advised to tone down my dreams. There should be a swear jar labeled "Petra's Dreams", with all the dreams I've had to alter tossed in there. Or down a memory hole, like Winston does with the censorship requests in 1984. Thank you Orwell. People have said to me, "Your vision is too broad, and your ideals are too high. Live with something more manageable." But I've always been able to make my dreams come true. I don't want to tone anything down, especially in the area of relationships. Let's talk astrology now. A prominent figure in my birth chart is its Libra stellium. A stellium is, to water it down, no less than four natal positions in a particular sign of the zodiac. And baby, you know how romantic Libras can be. It is the unconscious desire of the scale balancer to... drumroll please... balance. I was reading up on the different approaches of the zodiac signs towards love recently, and something jumped out at me which I find has always been a very true and immovable characteristic of my nature. The idea goes something like this: "Libra isn't needy or clingy, but will always subconsciously search for a soulmate, in an attempt to balance yang and yin, male and female, light and dark." Really, that sums up my approach to soulmates. I know you don't have to be romantically linked to a soulmate. But this is what I want, and what I will achieve.
I want that romantic partner to share my life with. This is what I want, at this stage in my life. And I'm saying it out loud, putting it on my blog so that it can be seen, for this vibration to ascend into the spheres of the Universe. I want it. I can envision it. Therefore, it will happen. And it will happen soon. My soulmate is a man, and we shall recognize one another in Prague. More than this I cannot say. I do not know, and I cannot pretend that I know. But I am convinced it will happen.
And now, some words to my soulmate.
Hey there. How are you? It's been a long time, but I can feel you in me, stirring me up from all that pent-up feeling. You're coming for me, and I am coming for you. We have been waiting a very long time for one another. At last I am ready for you. I can love you, and respond to your call, now. It's not nice to rush one another, but please, walk a little faster towards me. Put a spring in that gait. I am clearing out my spiritual shit so that new love and new light can walk in. I am making a conscious effort to prepare myself for your arrival. I have never envisioned anything without it happening. You are a reality already. That is good enough, for now. But come. And see you later, my loved one.
So, back to you guys. Yes, I am talking like this, I am acting like this, I am feeling like this. Why shouldn't I try it? There's nothing gained from thinking you're never going to have what you want in your romantic life. So I'll try the other approach. I can have exactly what I want in my romantic life, and I can have the balance I crave. On my own terms. And that's the Aquarian in me, ladies and gents. And this Aquarian has to go now.
Another blog post, another day, another beautiful moment to be savored. I love this, now. These moments are golden, and I'm happy. Despite what my mind says, despite what it looks like to the world. I am contented. I am perfect. I am okay.
Once again, if you ever want to ask something or talk to me about anything, don't hesitate. My e-mail is bemgcasrbaquarian@gmail.com . Maybe I'll put up more stuff on astrology soon. I'm feeling an itch to write about it.
So, my dears, have a nice Christmas Eve wherever you might be in the world, celebrate it and live it and love it. Eat well, drink well, dance, and be fulfilled. Bye.
Signed, your friendly Water Bearer.
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