Hello blog readers :)
Normally the first thing I do when I write a new blog post is entitle the thing. But since this post is more of a venting-out than a defined statement about anything particular, I shall leave the title till later.
Anyway, I've been posting a lot here for the past few days, I guess because I'm in pain. I don't want to suffer so much alone. I don't want this relapse of depression to be a closed-off experience, because I'm really much happier when I keep myself open. To close off from the world is to tell the world you're losing, and that things are really so serious and heavy that you can't function as a regular-Joe assembly-line automaton anymore. Naturally, I don't want to let the world win. I will continue to be witty and sarcastic and smart and intense and curious for as long as I'm breathing and there's another tomorrow. I want to be open with my depression experience, to say, "This is what I'm going through. It's very real, and it frightens me, but it's a phase. The cloud will lighten in color. The earth does not collapse into itself despite all the crises it has had to witness, and neither shall I."
This way of thinking shows me that people are capable of change, because I have changed. The way I'm dealing with this depression now is a lot different than the way I've dealt with it before, in the past. This time last year, actually, I was completely unable to deal with this weight on my shoulders. I reached a point at which I wasn't operating too well in the real world without having to run off and cry buckets at several intervals of the days. I closed off. Sure, I ate, slept (either too much, or far too little), and drank like a human being, but I was dead. It's curious. I don't really want to talk about this much, at least not right now, and not in this way. I should be writing, and working on the stories I've been up to. But I feel at least for today, I want to focus on my own practical, tangible emotional issues, rather than those of imagined characters.
So anyway, I don't want to derail too much, a tendency of mine. Let's go back to the changes in my coping style. I notice I don't cry as much anymore. Moping about my "misery" has become an outdated tool in my life that no longer serves the purpose of helping me release. I'm observing a newfound aggression in my approach to life. The further I see my happiness slip, the more empassioned I become about maintaining heart and good faith in myself and the purity of my spirit. I know my inner strength, and I don't need anyone to assure me about anything. I have always found my own way in life, and I believe in my experiences and approaches, and the Universal plan for me. I shall continue to live my life the way I see fit, regardless of whether people praise me as right or condemn me as wrong. At least that way I will be real, and present myself with the opportunity to extract valuable lessons from both extreme pain and extreme happiness. And this is why I won't take myself too seriously with this depression, and am not afraid for myself in the long run. If you don't expose your soul to reality, and consequently suffering, then you can live a certain kind of life - the shielded one, protected by all the values of proper, civilized, and utterly mundane society. But you should be aware that, once you choose this life, you also insure your spirit against genuine happiness. What do I mean by "genuine happiness"? I mean the light-mist-after-the-rainstorm version of it, the kind only those who have suffered can know, and understand, and appreciate as a gift from the heavens. I believe in the purpose of suffering. It is because of this belief that I can stomach it, no matter how bad it gets. The purification and maintenance of the soul is not supposed to be an easy, problem-free process. Humans have to actively fight for the preservation of the soul, and its right to assert itself, because such an untamable energy struggles with the confinement bodily existence places upon it. Why, for example, do some people support the idea that "sex without love is an empty experience"? I guess it's because the soul does not process the physicality of sex - this is a foreign concept to the soul, an intricacy of the body. Love, and passionate existence, and the willingness to go through the suffering that inevitably accompanies all great love, is the bridging factor between the soul and the body, the merging of these two elements into an alive human being. I don't know if the soul is quite such an intellectual/rational entity, to be able to process input the way a computer does, but I think maybe the soul energy is innately different from the body energy. And this is where the Universe, and God, come in handy. The greatest vibration the Universe has ever bestowed upon us humans is love. We're not the only creatures responsive towards the love energy on this earth - cats respond to it, plants respond to sunlight, ice melts in the presence of heat. But maybe the reason we're so lucky to have been born human in these incarnations of ours is that at the level of the human, the soul is given the chance for a) awareness of the love energy and b) the ability to harness this love energy in ways beneficial to the human. Now what is the point of all this talk? I, myself, do NOT know. And I don't have to know a certain point for it. Having a point doesn't make something a useful activity or whatever. So many things that don't have a point give people so much joy. If it makes you happy, isn't that it, really? Do what works for you, and be the way that works for you.
Well, the stuff above doesn't bring me around to anything, but my mind is a wonderful instrument that loves to spin around upon itself and navigate me around the oddest ideas at the weirdest of times. It's not the New Year (according to the western calendar) yet, but I have a Resolution worth trying out. And it's this:
For this year of 2013, if God will have me follow through with it, I resolve to examine my relationships, and specifically, the way I relate to people.
This is the simplest possible version of my one Resolution. Here is where I'll expand upon it. I realized this about myself recently: for as long as I can remember, I've been rather passive and uninterested in the way I communicate with the friends, relatives, and lovers I've known over the years. There's a sort of "que sera, sera" attitude I've adopted towards people. Maybe it's because I never believed I have much say in the way things go between me and people, that I can't truly steer my attachments in the directions I would wish them to take. A part of it has to do with being a woman, but I don't want to get into feminist issues right now - my mind is too tired, and I'm hungry. It's a fear of going after what I want, because I've tasted rejection, and it's pathetic. A lot of it has to do with my Dad walking away. Not really. I wouldn't be doing that relationship, or lack of relationship, justice if I just said that. My Dad traveled back and forth when I was a baby and little kid, so I never got to develop a strong friendship with him. He's always felt more like a distant stranger to me, coming and going and visiting in our home in Lebanon. Then my parents got a divorce when I was eight years old, and that process stirred no emotion in me at the time (I do, however, remember moments of feeling out-of-step with the way of the world at that age, after the divorce. But then again, I've always been a little out-of-step). The divorce didn't really cross into my mind until much later. I didn't start to think or feel seriously about it until I was fifteen, maybe sixteen, even.
I resent the feelings people have forced me into regarding the divorce. The first thing people will usually tell me once they find out about it (it has to be "found out", like it's some dirty secret) is a generic, bland "I'm sorry". What have you got to be sorry about? I'm not even sorry about it. I didn't know the guy, goddammit. Whatever confusion and frustration that I've felt, and feel, about my Dad leaving the family, is not my own. A lot of it is my mother's left-over resentment, and the stereotypical reaction society preaches to children of a "broken home". As far as I'm concerned, my home was never broken - Dad has always been excluded from the family fold. But still, you can never completely prevent these "how-to-behave-after-something-like-that" notions society throws upon its children from seeping into you. Case in point: I look for my Dad in every relationship I have. I look for that sense of acceptance, that approval I was supposedly denied, the approval that never belonged to me in the first place. Yeah, I resent the way I was brought up to hate someone I barely even knew, whose face has been all but wiped off the slate of my memory. To be more accurate, in all my relationships, I'm just looking. And in my opinion, it's not wrong to look for affection, and understanding. It's a human need. But there are ways to look for it, and then there are ways.
I've always been highly impulsive in the area of love. It takes me about five seconds to become infatuated with someone, and it usually follows that I'm "in love" with more than one person at the same time. I think I've hurt some people's feelings with this impulsive approach. And I have to ask myself, "Why don't I take my time to fall for a man or woman?" I take my time with everything else. Actually, that's an understatement. I live on my own time, meaning to say, I'm sometimes stuck, other times happily floating along, in "slow" mode. I'm coming to wonder if the reason I latch on so blindly is a fear that if I don't latch on immediately, and "get it before it's gone", it'll be exactly that - gone. Before I even have time to process the "loss". And I would have to go through a re-run of all the crappy feelings of rejection and abandonment, yes, abandonment, that were spurred on by my dad leaving, and my feelings of emotional detachment from my mother.
So you see, all this is very good news. I'm finally being able to understand why I do the things I do. Understanding why things work a certain way is the key towards manipulating them to work any other way you please. Now that I'm aware of this unhealthy dynamic propelling my relationships towards potential friends and lovers, I can begin to catch myself before I jump too far down an empty well with no flooring to fall back on. It's not romantic, to jump into someone's arms if you don't even have an inkling of who that person is - it's sickening. Because otherwise, I'm an independent, open, and free soul. I want to get the root issue settled before I start "falling in love" with people whose essences I'm not truly aware of.
This doesn't mean that I want a relationship with my Dad. The time for that has passed. I don't have the need for a father in my life. I never did. My mother filled the roles of the male and female parent well, and now I'm emancipated. I've grown up, in a way. And it's mighty embarrasing for this grown-up to go on living in the parental nest for much longer, figuratively speaking (since I don't, after all, live with my parents).
So I guess the key word of my Resolution would be "examine". A teacher of mine, whom I hadn't seen in a while prior to that time, once asked me if I was still a questioner. And I reply to that, "YES." I am a questioner, and a discoverer, and an uncoverer of truths, about myself, and about others. And when it comes to the area of human relationships, I want to know a given relationship is something I can believe in before going any further than my usual interactions with people. I now understand why so many of my friendships and loves have failed - because I failed to believe in them. I am currently failing at what my mind deemed "my two best-friendships" because I don't believe in their value anymore. And I guess in my heart there was always a big "NO" where these two friendships were concerned. And that's a major area I have begun to work on in my life - I don't want to include in my life people who don't want to make things work, who are negative about the chances of a friendship surviving and providing nourishment for the spirits involved. A friendship always has a low chance of surviving. But odds are established, only to be beaten. And these are the lessons I wish to reacquaint myself with in my time to come.
So, blog readers, I'm done for today. This has been a nice release for me, and I hope you guys can relate. I hope this gives joy to some, pensiveness to others, a little sadness, a hint of laughter, and maybe nothing at all. But I'm giving myself the right to live, and that's a nice thing to do, especially around this holiday season :-) I hope the sarcasm isn't lost on you. My e-mail: bemgcasrbaquarian@gmail.com
Have a nice evening, morning, or whatever-it-is in your country when you're reading this.
Signed, your friendly Water Bearer.
Thursday, 27 December 2012
Tuesday, 25 December 2012
Leo and Aquarius
Leo
Aquarius
This is one of my love-hate matches, as with all the 7-7, opposite sign patterns. Except that this specific one hits a little bit closer to home, me being an Aquarius. I'll try not to be biased, and detail this compatibility match with as much detachment as possible.
I have Leo problems. That much I will say. This is an incorrigible, cut-and-dry rule with me. Usually I'll guess a person is a Leo when I feel both intensely attracted to them and intensely repelled at the same time. Getting into astrology has helped me make sense of this consistent energetic polarity I feel when dealing with Leos.
I thought this feeling worth mentioning because it's a perfect description of two polar-opposite energies meeting. When Leo and Aquarius first meet, most likely there is an instantaneous charge between the two, followed by insatiable curiosity about the other.
Aquarius is fascinated by the regal way in which Leo holds themself, and might be taken aback, even unreasonably irritated, by the Leonine pride and vanity where the self is concerned. Aquarius might decide then and there that Leo is self-centered. Aquarius would be right - Leo is, at least, more self-oriented than forward-thinking, progressive Aquarius... the Sun is the at the centre of the solar system, after all. However, Aquarius should not form the impression that Leo is unkind - being a Fire sign, Leo has the spontaneous warmth, playfulness, and impulsive generosity that may be more subdued in the mental Air sign of Aquarius. Leos have a rep as the most generous of the zodiac signs. Anyway, the scientific, logical approach of Aquarius towards life will never allow Aquarius to accept a specific idea about Leo as valid until Aquarius has submitted every facet of the Leonine personality for dissection.
That's something Leo will find flattering. Leo needs an audience. How can Leo help it, when the Water Bearer, who usually forgets their own name and legitimately cannot tell down from up at any given time, actually remembers who Leo is, and asks Leo those outrageous, disconcerting, and tactless questions about their inner self? But Leo's pride stands a good chance of being tempered when Leo catches onto the fact that Aquarius asks everyone those blunt, embarrasing questions. Here lies the opposition between the two signs: Leo is concerned with matters of the self, whereas Aquarius belongs completely to people. It's not that Aquarius doesn't find Leo especially interesting - Aquarius might, especially if they start acting fidgety and a tad cold with Leo, or start to tease relentlessly. The nature of Aquarius, however, is an impersonal one at the root. Aquarius doesn't see individuals, preferring to look at the big picture instead. People aren't "Sally" or "Harry" to Aquarius, they're just people, and those are mighty interesting creatures for the experimental Water Bearer.
There will usually be an inherent unspoken rejection of the other's ideals between these two. Since Leo is exactly 180 degrees apart from Aquarius on the karmic wheel of life, their approaches towards life can be markedly different. Owing to the Fixity of their sign, there is quite a large number of Leos with traditional approaches to life. Leo desperately needs not only the approval, but the applause, of society. The greatest delight of Aquarius is opposing the conventions of society - it's a funny thing that the older Aquarius gets, the more Fixed in their erratic approach to life they become. Internally, Aquarius doesn't give much attention to what people think. Aquarius will surely listen to a monologue about how they're going about things all wrong, but Aquarius, like Leo, is a Fixed sign - once a conviction is stuck in their head as right, nothing can change the mind of Aquarius. With Aquarius, the appearance of conventionality is just that - a facade. Leo, however, will flinch at the Water Bearer's weirdness, and will not take kindly to being made a fool of by the Water Bearer's antics, funny clothes, and even funnier friends.
A big area of contention between the two of them will be their joined double-masculine planetary influences. Leo is a masculine sign, ruled by the masculine Sun. Likewise, Aquarius is a masculine sign, ruled by the masculine Saturn, and the more androgynous, but still masculine, Uranus. Pride and ego on both parts may be the major downfall of this relationship. With Leo and Aquarius, it becomes necessary to actively put more affection, gentleness, and understanding (the so-called "feminine" characteristics) into their association, or else their home, workplace, classroom, what-you-will stands a good chance of being transformed into a splendid war-theatre. Just as Leo needs applause to feel alive, Aquarius lives and breathes mental and emotional freedom - Aquarius will chafe under Leo's well-meaning, but domineering and bossy, approaches to life. Aquarius will resent the smoldering Leonine jealousy. Whereas Leo is easily roused to jealousy, it takes a studied amount of effort to spark up the green monster in Aquarius. I really feel for Leos on this point, since the free-for-all, inquisitive attitude of Aquarius will anger Leo and cause them to assume the worst. To be honest, Aquarius is not the most fidelity-inclined sign before you've nailed them down to a serious relationship (and feel free to take that literally - this might be the minimum effort you'd have to exert to get Aquarius to commit). That's not to say Aquarians are a particularly sexed-up bunch. Actually, the natural Aquarian inclination is to remain romantically and sexually unattached. Next to Virgo, the sign of Aquarius holds the highest number of bachelors and bachelorettes in the zodiac. Despite that statistic, the experimental and fun-loving approach of Aquarius towards sex and romance should not be overlooked by Leo in the early stages of such an association with Aquarius. It would do Leo a world of good if they could cool their fiery ego a bit when Aquarius goes out with a particularly attractive friend. Aquarius most likely hasn't noticed, or else doesn't care.
Anger might be a recurring theme in this relationship. Leo, being a Fire sign, has an undeniable temper. The Fixed quality of Leo makes this temper more subdued than in the more volatile Fire signs, Sagittarius and Aries, but still, if Aquarius steps on that cat's tail too often with their weird behavior and breezy detachment, the Water Bearer becomes liable to hearing the Lion's roar. Aquarius, additionally, is no whimp in the temper department. The other Air signs, Gemini and Libra, remind one of the peaceful, floating-on-clouds quality of Air - Aquarius represents the "thunder, lightning, and rain" aspect of the Air element. Uranus is the unpredictable planet of sudden changes. The Aquarian temper is more spontaneous, and ultimately more shocking and dangerous, than that of Leo. What's more, it's always difficult for people born under Fixed signs to apologize to one another. And Leo will expect Aquarius to be the one to apologize, all the time. Leos have too much pride, remember? You can go to sleep at night peacefully, though, dear Leos - Aquarius spits everything out, and then the anger's gone. Little pent-up resentment there over the long run. Plus, the rational thought process of Aquarius won't permit them to leave wrongs uncorrected if they feel they've been intolerant or cruel towards Leo.
All this inevitably spills into the topic of sex. The sex life of the Water Bearer and the Lion is, I'm more than willing to bet, the redeeming quality of their relationship. Aquarius is innately friendly, and understanding of the quirks of human nature. The open-minded attitude of Aquarius will allow Leo to feel as though they can let their guard of superiority and proud airs down, and give more warmth and loving affection (Leo's strengths) to the Water Bearer than they could towards a lover of another sign. Whoever invented the expression "academic interest" must have been referring to the Aquarian approach to sex. Aquarius has in-bred doubts about their sexual attractiveness and style. Typically, astrology will tell you that Gemini and Libra get the job of debunking those Aquarian insecurities done well. However, Gemini might prove too light a lover for the more persistent, intense Aquarius, and Libra's romanticism and sweetness might leave Aquarius intimidated and unable to respond. Leo provides exactly the right mixture of romantic passion and physical eroticism to warm the otherwise placid nature of Aquarius, and elicit a strong response from Aquarius - stronger, at any rate, than with any other lover besides Leo. Usually, Aquarius might avoid sex for a long time, especially once they realize they actually have to do something. However, Aquarius won't successfully avoid Leo's seduction for long - the polarity chemistry is that powerful. Let's be honest - the reason Leo attracted Aquarius in the first place was probably 100% sexual. The Water Bearer might have found themself absolutely flabbergasted at the dirty thoughts springing up in their head due to Leo. This relationship is erotically charged at its core, and for Leo and Aquarius, sex can be the binding factor that keeps them going through the trials and tribulations of the more mundane aspects of their life together.
On the financial front, Aquarius should be the one to watch out for Leo's tendency towards extravagant spending - not that Aquarius is any good with money. Just better than Leo *smirks mischievously*. Frequently there comes to be a grudging, but sincere, respect between these two, that helps them overcome the challenges posed by their Fixed, masculine natures. Likewise, their relationship will always be a learning experience in tolerance and compassion, and might prove to be more nourishing than an easier sign compatibility.
Have questions? Wanna share your Leo and Aquarius story? My e-mail is bemgcasrbaquarian@gmail.com
See you, blog readers.
Signed, your friendly Water Bearer.
- Fire
- Fixed
- Yang (masculine)
- Sun (masculine)
Aquarius
- Air
- Fixed
- Yang (masculine)
- Uranus (masculine) and Saturn (masculine)
This is one of my love-hate matches, as with all the 7-7, opposite sign patterns. Except that this specific one hits a little bit closer to home, me being an Aquarius. I'll try not to be biased, and detail this compatibility match with as much detachment as possible.
I have Leo problems. That much I will say. This is an incorrigible, cut-and-dry rule with me. Usually I'll guess a person is a Leo when I feel both intensely attracted to them and intensely repelled at the same time. Getting into astrology has helped me make sense of this consistent energetic polarity I feel when dealing with Leos.
I thought this feeling worth mentioning because it's a perfect description of two polar-opposite energies meeting. When Leo and Aquarius first meet, most likely there is an instantaneous charge between the two, followed by insatiable curiosity about the other.
Aquarius is fascinated by the regal way in which Leo holds themself, and might be taken aback, even unreasonably irritated, by the Leonine pride and vanity where the self is concerned. Aquarius might decide then and there that Leo is self-centered. Aquarius would be right - Leo is, at least, more self-oriented than forward-thinking, progressive Aquarius... the Sun is the at the centre of the solar system, after all. However, Aquarius should not form the impression that Leo is unkind - being a Fire sign, Leo has the spontaneous warmth, playfulness, and impulsive generosity that may be more subdued in the mental Air sign of Aquarius. Leos have a rep as the most generous of the zodiac signs. Anyway, the scientific, logical approach of Aquarius towards life will never allow Aquarius to accept a specific idea about Leo as valid until Aquarius has submitted every facet of the Leonine personality for dissection.
That's something Leo will find flattering. Leo needs an audience. How can Leo help it, when the Water Bearer, who usually forgets their own name and legitimately cannot tell down from up at any given time, actually remembers who Leo is, and asks Leo those outrageous, disconcerting, and tactless questions about their inner self? But Leo's pride stands a good chance of being tempered when Leo catches onto the fact that Aquarius asks everyone those blunt, embarrasing questions. Here lies the opposition between the two signs: Leo is concerned with matters of the self, whereas Aquarius belongs completely to people. It's not that Aquarius doesn't find Leo especially interesting - Aquarius might, especially if they start acting fidgety and a tad cold with Leo, or start to tease relentlessly. The nature of Aquarius, however, is an impersonal one at the root. Aquarius doesn't see individuals, preferring to look at the big picture instead. People aren't "Sally" or "Harry" to Aquarius, they're just people, and those are mighty interesting creatures for the experimental Water Bearer.
There will usually be an inherent unspoken rejection of the other's ideals between these two. Since Leo is exactly 180 degrees apart from Aquarius on the karmic wheel of life, their approaches towards life can be markedly different. Owing to the Fixity of their sign, there is quite a large number of Leos with traditional approaches to life. Leo desperately needs not only the approval, but the applause, of society. The greatest delight of Aquarius is opposing the conventions of society - it's a funny thing that the older Aquarius gets, the more Fixed in their erratic approach to life they become. Internally, Aquarius doesn't give much attention to what people think. Aquarius will surely listen to a monologue about how they're going about things all wrong, but Aquarius, like Leo, is a Fixed sign - once a conviction is stuck in their head as right, nothing can change the mind of Aquarius. With Aquarius, the appearance of conventionality is just that - a facade. Leo, however, will flinch at the Water Bearer's weirdness, and will not take kindly to being made a fool of by the Water Bearer's antics, funny clothes, and even funnier friends.
A big area of contention between the two of them will be their joined double-masculine planetary influences. Leo is a masculine sign, ruled by the masculine Sun. Likewise, Aquarius is a masculine sign, ruled by the masculine Saturn, and the more androgynous, but still masculine, Uranus. Pride and ego on both parts may be the major downfall of this relationship. With Leo and Aquarius, it becomes necessary to actively put more affection, gentleness, and understanding (the so-called "feminine" characteristics) into their association, or else their home, workplace, classroom, what-you-will stands a good chance of being transformed into a splendid war-theatre. Just as Leo needs applause to feel alive, Aquarius lives and breathes mental and emotional freedom - Aquarius will chafe under Leo's well-meaning, but domineering and bossy, approaches to life. Aquarius will resent the smoldering Leonine jealousy. Whereas Leo is easily roused to jealousy, it takes a studied amount of effort to spark up the green monster in Aquarius. I really feel for Leos on this point, since the free-for-all, inquisitive attitude of Aquarius will anger Leo and cause them to assume the worst. To be honest, Aquarius is not the most fidelity-inclined sign before you've nailed them down to a serious relationship (and feel free to take that literally - this might be the minimum effort you'd have to exert to get Aquarius to commit). That's not to say Aquarians are a particularly sexed-up bunch. Actually, the natural Aquarian inclination is to remain romantically and sexually unattached. Next to Virgo, the sign of Aquarius holds the highest number of bachelors and bachelorettes in the zodiac. Despite that statistic, the experimental and fun-loving approach of Aquarius towards sex and romance should not be overlooked by Leo in the early stages of such an association with Aquarius. It would do Leo a world of good if they could cool their fiery ego a bit when Aquarius goes out with a particularly attractive friend. Aquarius most likely hasn't noticed, or else doesn't care.
Anger might be a recurring theme in this relationship. Leo, being a Fire sign, has an undeniable temper. The Fixed quality of Leo makes this temper more subdued than in the more volatile Fire signs, Sagittarius and Aries, but still, if Aquarius steps on that cat's tail too often with their weird behavior and breezy detachment, the Water Bearer becomes liable to hearing the Lion's roar. Aquarius, additionally, is no whimp in the temper department. The other Air signs, Gemini and Libra, remind one of the peaceful, floating-on-clouds quality of Air - Aquarius represents the "thunder, lightning, and rain" aspect of the Air element. Uranus is the unpredictable planet of sudden changes. The Aquarian temper is more spontaneous, and ultimately more shocking and dangerous, than that of Leo. What's more, it's always difficult for people born under Fixed signs to apologize to one another. And Leo will expect Aquarius to be the one to apologize, all the time. Leos have too much pride, remember? You can go to sleep at night peacefully, though, dear Leos - Aquarius spits everything out, and then the anger's gone. Little pent-up resentment there over the long run. Plus, the rational thought process of Aquarius won't permit them to leave wrongs uncorrected if they feel they've been intolerant or cruel towards Leo.
All this inevitably spills into the topic of sex. The sex life of the Water Bearer and the Lion is, I'm more than willing to bet, the redeeming quality of their relationship. Aquarius is innately friendly, and understanding of the quirks of human nature. The open-minded attitude of Aquarius will allow Leo to feel as though they can let their guard of superiority and proud airs down, and give more warmth and loving affection (Leo's strengths) to the Water Bearer than they could towards a lover of another sign. Whoever invented the expression "academic interest" must have been referring to the Aquarian approach to sex. Aquarius has in-bred doubts about their sexual attractiveness and style. Typically, astrology will tell you that Gemini and Libra get the job of debunking those Aquarian insecurities done well. However, Gemini might prove too light a lover for the more persistent, intense Aquarius, and Libra's romanticism and sweetness might leave Aquarius intimidated and unable to respond. Leo provides exactly the right mixture of romantic passion and physical eroticism to warm the otherwise placid nature of Aquarius, and elicit a strong response from Aquarius - stronger, at any rate, than with any other lover besides Leo. Usually, Aquarius might avoid sex for a long time, especially once they realize they actually have to do something. However, Aquarius won't successfully avoid Leo's seduction for long - the polarity chemistry is that powerful. Let's be honest - the reason Leo attracted Aquarius in the first place was probably 100% sexual. The Water Bearer might have found themself absolutely flabbergasted at the dirty thoughts springing up in their head due to Leo. This relationship is erotically charged at its core, and for Leo and Aquarius, sex can be the binding factor that keeps them going through the trials and tribulations of the more mundane aspects of their life together.
On the financial front, Aquarius should be the one to watch out for Leo's tendency towards extravagant spending - not that Aquarius is any good with money. Just better than Leo *smirks mischievously*. Frequently there comes to be a grudging, but sincere, respect between these two, that helps them overcome the challenges posed by their Fixed, masculine natures. Likewise, their relationship will always be a learning experience in tolerance and compassion, and might prove to be more nourishing than an easier sign compatibility.
Have questions? Wanna share your Leo and Aquarius story? My e-mail is bemgcasrbaquarian@gmail.com
See you, blog readers.
Signed, your friendly Water Bearer.
Monday, 24 December 2012
Unhappiness, soulmates, and optimism... my all-over-the-place version.
Hey there readers :))
Let's start with the formalities... Merry christmas, since tonight is Christmas Eve, and, in case I don't post on this blog around the New Year, Happy New Year as well.
It's really nice... I woke up feeling much more light than I've been feeling lately, not bogged down by all this spiritual weight that I've managed to accumulate since being here, in Lebanon. Before I start on anything, I should give you guys some updates, just so you can contextualize some of my talk, I guess. Excuse my style today, the words and discourse aren't flowing as smoothly as in some of my other blog posts.
Anyhoo, I've been in Beirut, Lebanon for a week now. I'm here to see my family, friends, and "chill" during the holiday season, an excuse for coming which I find prepostrous. There's no such thing as "chilling" for me in Lebanon. This isn't the place I come to when I wanna get casual. These cities, these rooms I wander in, the empty streets and the vacant restaurants, they hold difficult and uncomfortable memories, for the most part. There are daemons seeping out of the nooks and cranies, trying to get at me with their unhappy thoughts. I really do think places absorb the energy we infuse them with, and project it back at us. Now that I'm back in my childhood home, I feel this haunted energy pervading my house all the more clearly. This place always had the feel to me of never being lived in, even when it was crowded. Clinical. Perfunctory. Sterile. No love can grow here. No life. Only the imagined sort. Maybe that's why I dreamt so much as a child, and this is surely why I'm dreaming so much now that I've been back. Always dreams, dreams, dreams, because there's no reality but sadness in this country. People are miserable here. Their eyes are all saying, "Give me something to hold onto, that isn't hatred, or war, or enmity. Give me something to do, emotions to feel, a faith to believe." In short, "Give me my life back." Beirut, I so want you to have your life back. What a beautiful life it could be here, like before, when Beirut was the "pearl of the Middle East", or whatever you want to call it. I was in Byblos, an ancient port town [with one of the oldest harbors in the world, mind], late last night, browsing through the yellowing pages of pictures at this museum established by an old sailor, now deceased. The museum is filled with memories of a world long gone, a natural order to life that doesn't exist now in this lovely city which I can't help loving and hating all at once. Beirut was beautiful, Beirut was bright. Full of beautiful women out in the sun enjoying themselves, world-famous personalities coming around to see what all the clamor is about. But I couldn't stay in that museum for long - I wafted through the rooms like a ghost, and treated every item I came across with a studied nonchalance. It was the reek of memories that got me so uncomfortable, I've now come to realize, during this lucid "morning-after". Beirut is no longer glamor. No longer beauty, and passion. There's nothing here but Cold, and Empty. The fire has to be rekindled from scratch. And this is why I left, and why so many of us leave, this is the reason at the root. We don't want our young lives to be built up after a model of death, and broken hopes, and a disgusting nest of memories left out in the open like a festering wound. It's sick, but there's nothing of life here, not even a semblance of it. There is an emptiness of the soul, and I feel the city's emptiness pervading my skin and trying to make me a part of it.
Only I'm too happy. I'm too basically happy, and hopeful, and insistent on finding joy everywhere I go, in all the situations I'm thrown in (by fate, and usually with the intervention of myself). There's a long life to come, with God's grace. I have faith in the plan the Universe has in store for me. I believe in my ideals and live true to myself. That's good. My moral code, admittedly, is not the acceptable code that society preaches to its young people (Eastern society and, at its root, Western society) - many aspects of my life do not comply with the standards of how a good life should be. And I feel pangs of guilt, and anguish, at being apart from society in these ways, almost like I'm living two lives. But you know, I've never mentally complied with these washed-out ethics to begin with. My mind was always in opposition, I have to admit that. This is the first time in my life in which I actually go out on a thin, wobbly limb and do something for my soul, and let myself live, goddamit. So naturally, I'm going to feel pain. Society creates mores and rules to imprison those who feel genuinely alive in this illusion that their lives are damned, and wrong, and unsatisfying. I'm alive, and I'm feeling. Those are important things to maintain, in any sojourn on this earth. I'm warm, I'm friendly, I'm passionate. Those are strengths to be treasured, surely, and I'm glad I have them. Without these qualities my life would be considerably more difficult to follow through with. I'm forward-pushing, and stubborn, and I believe in myself. These help too. So you see, I really have no reason to be unhappy in this life. No matter how difficult the situations are, and might be, I have the necessary tools to beat the odds. The Universe has energy for me to tap into. There are horizons to be expanded, and thoughts to be explored. God has a loving nature, and would never leave a creation of His/Hers/Whatever-Other-Possessive-Pronoun without that Universal energy supply to fall back on, when their own energy is lowed-out. Everything is energy. Cats and dogs are energy, nature, glass, emotions, thoughts. All of it is an active force in the expansion of the Universe. I'm happy. I'm sad. It's all a state of being. It's about saying, "Negative thoughts are here. But I choose to not let negative thoughts obstruct my path to positive thoughts, which breed positive results." When thoughts are in your head, let's say they're charged with potential energy - vibrations that haven't been released to the world yet. But they still contain energy, and therefore power, and the innate ability to be utilized for work. So it follows, logically, that exerting all this negative thought energy will eventually bring out negative work (or experiences of this lifetime). If we'd just angle the camera slightly, and see our lives through kinder, more forgiving and hopeful eyes, we would bring about the positive experiences we want. Why am I talking so much about positivity, and "happiness"? Well, I hope you've been able to deduce through this blog post that I haven't been feeling too cheery lately. I find questions about my life popping up at a rate equivalent to that of exponential bacterial reproduction, I keep wondering why I have this and not that, I keep thinking. That's the problem. Focusing on what you don't have, what you think is wrong in your life, but really isn't. When I have simple moments in which thoughts don't obstruct my broad-spectrum vision, I feel happy. That use of the word "feel" was a very spontaneous soul-reaction, by the way. It proves that the true way to happiness lies in the depths of the human heart. The heart is a quiet place, full of peace and joy. The mind, on the other hand, could benefit from some military drill training.
Which brings me to the topic of soulmates. No more murky moods (or, in reality, even murkier moods to surface in this blog post - you be the judge).
I believe in soulmates.
There, I said it, I put it out there. I'm going to be putting a lot of ideas out there that society teaches us to dismiss as children's tales, and all grades of nonsense. But you know, I've seen the soul-union happen in the lives of people around me, and in my own life in particular. In my life in Lebanon I've had two soulmate experiences that can be counted as genuine. One of these soul experiences is detailed in some of the more wistful, melancholy posts on this blog. I don't care to talk about any of these soul experiences in-depth, for the world to see. Let's just say that recently, I prayed to the Universe and to God to reunite me with one of these twin souls if it is destined for our paths to cross again, and the Universe has answered yet another one of my prayers. I am so happy that this soul is evolving along with mine, that we vibrate to a similar rhythm. I'm not too sure if a soul connection can ever be cancelled out. You still carry on with the person, even if they're miles away, or physically dead. I'm going to throw a pop-culture quote at you now that summarizes a belief I have about soulmates:
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
This is from Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I believe in this attempt at defining the concept of the soulmate, since it's practical. It's functional, and it works. In many cases, it doesn't make sense that two people could go on living with each other forever. What if one dies, or is a world traveler, or circumstances don't allow two people to be together? But at the same time, I think that soulmates have the ability to divine one another's states of being despite physical distance. Look, I don't want to start on another round of psychobabble philosophizing. Enough. I just wanna say what's real to me.
In Prague, I've made some of these soul connections as well. Yes, I have two soulmates in Prague, according to the definition above and some more personal convictions of mine. But that's just it. I don't know what I'm going to do with these soul connections. One might tell me, "Nothing. Energy exists between people, and sometimes as the highly-charged vibration of the soulmate level. But that doesn't mean you have to do something with it. Just leave it there." But you see, I can't just leave it there without feeling a little iffy. It's wasted energy, for chrissake. I would be wasting a chance for my soul to learn, and expand along with the rhythm of the Universe. And my soul is learning, and expanding, thanks to my latest soulmates, and I thank you both. I don't know if you know who you are, and I'm not going to drag you people into this blog. But here would be a good moment to say, "Thank you, and I love you", to each one of you.
Now. Why am I thinking of soulmates? Let me tell you. I had a stirring in my spirit around the early hours of the dawn yesterday, and I can tell you this. My spiritual mate and helpmeet (yes, I used that word. YES) is soon to be discovered by me. My soul is ready, and I ask for the enlightenment to truly recognize you, and know you, dear human.
This type of talk is exactly what gets parents hyper, what makes religious institutions angry, and pessimists a little pissy. This next "We" is dedicated especially to the ladies reading this. Ahem. WE, at least, a lot more of us than I would like to have witnessed, have been conditioned not to desire, not to want. You don't show that you want men. Let men come to you. We get labeled all sorts of things when we exhibit our very real desires to the public. I'm not going to use the insipid, plain stupid stuff people say about "loose" women here on my blog. Ladies, indulge in as much pleasure as you want. Nothing wrong with living a human life to the fullest. But I'm not talking about desiring and wanting sexual stuff only. In every area of our lives, we're pigeonholed into some sort of prerequisites for femininity. Fuck it, we're all just souls living out our human experiences. Oh, now I've remembered why I even brought up the sex issue in the first place - sexual pleasure, for example, isn't necessarily a need. It's a desire. And yet so many people insist on labeling it as a need. Why? Because probably, maybe, just maybe, we're afraid of desire, markedly the unfettered female variety. This isn't something new. This subject of the dangers of female desire has been explored before me, with much more eloquence and depth. I'm just derailing a little bit. I only intend to talk about my case.
And it's this:
Feeling that stirring in my soul last night was the first step through the darkness into a new sort of light, the light that makes the fear of my buried-deep desires inconsequential. I am frightened of saying it, and feeling it, and believing in the vision I have of my soulmate. And now I don't want to use the "We". I will make a conscious effort to use the "I". I have always been advised to tone down my dreams. There should be a swear jar labeled "Petra's Dreams", with all the dreams I've had to alter tossed in there. Or down a memory hole, like Winston does with the censorship requests in 1984. Thank you Orwell. People have said to me, "Your vision is too broad, and your ideals are too high. Live with something more manageable." But I've always been able to make my dreams come true. I don't want to tone anything down, especially in the area of relationships. Let's talk astrology now. A prominent figure in my birth chart is its Libra stellium. A stellium is, to water it down, no less than four natal positions in a particular sign of the zodiac. And baby, you know how romantic Libras can be. It is the unconscious desire of the scale balancer to... drumroll please... balance. I was reading up on the different approaches of the zodiac signs towards love recently, and something jumped out at me which I find has always been a very true and immovable characteristic of my nature. The idea goes something like this: "Libra isn't needy or clingy, but will always subconsciously search for a soulmate, in an attempt to balance yang and yin, male and female, light and dark." Really, that sums up my approach to soulmates. I know you don't have to be romantically linked to a soulmate. But this is what I want, and what I will achieve.
I want that romantic partner to share my life with. This is what I want, at this stage in my life. And I'm saying it out loud, putting it on my blog so that it can be seen, for this vibration to ascend into the spheres of the Universe. I want it. I can envision it. Therefore, it will happen. And it will happen soon. My soulmate is a man, and we shall recognize one another in Prague. More than this I cannot say. I do not know, and I cannot pretend that I know. But I am convinced it will happen.
And now, some words to my soulmate.
Hey there. How are you? It's been a long time, but I can feel you in me, stirring me up from all that pent-up feeling. You're coming for me, and I am coming for you. We have been waiting a very long time for one another. At last I am ready for you. I can love you, and respond to your call, now. It's not nice to rush one another, but please, walk a little faster towards me. Put a spring in that gait. I am clearing out my spiritual shit so that new love and new light can walk in. I am making a conscious effort to prepare myself for your arrival. I have never envisioned anything without it happening. You are a reality already. That is good enough, for now. But come. And see you later, my loved one.
So, back to you guys. Yes, I am talking like this, I am acting like this, I am feeling like this. Why shouldn't I try it? There's nothing gained from thinking you're never going to have what you want in your romantic life. So I'll try the other approach. I can have exactly what I want in my romantic life, and I can have the balance I crave. On my own terms. And that's the Aquarian in me, ladies and gents. And this Aquarian has to go now.
Another blog post, another day, another beautiful moment to be savored. I love this, now. These moments are golden, and I'm happy. Despite what my mind says, despite what it looks like to the world. I am contented. I am perfect. I am okay.
Once again, if you ever want to ask something or talk to me about anything, don't hesitate. My e-mail is bemgcasrbaquarian@gmail.com . Maybe I'll put up more stuff on astrology soon. I'm feeling an itch to write about it.
So, my dears, have a nice Christmas Eve wherever you might be in the world, celebrate it and live it and love it. Eat well, drink well, dance, and be fulfilled. Bye.
Signed, your friendly Water Bearer.
Let's start with the formalities... Merry christmas, since tonight is Christmas Eve, and, in case I don't post on this blog around the New Year, Happy New Year as well.
It's really nice... I woke up feeling much more light than I've been feeling lately, not bogged down by all this spiritual weight that I've managed to accumulate since being here, in Lebanon. Before I start on anything, I should give you guys some updates, just so you can contextualize some of my talk, I guess. Excuse my style today, the words and discourse aren't flowing as smoothly as in some of my other blog posts.
Anyhoo, I've been in Beirut, Lebanon for a week now. I'm here to see my family, friends, and "chill" during the holiday season, an excuse for coming which I find prepostrous. There's no such thing as "chilling" for me in Lebanon. This isn't the place I come to when I wanna get casual. These cities, these rooms I wander in, the empty streets and the vacant restaurants, they hold difficult and uncomfortable memories, for the most part. There are daemons seeping out of the nooks and cranies, trying to get at me with their unhappy thoughts. I really do think places absorb the energy we infuse them with, and project it back at us. Now that I'm back in my childhood home, I feel this haunted energy pervading my house all the more clearly. This place always had the feel to me of never being lived in, even when it was crowded. Clinical. Perfunctory. Sterile. No love can grow here. No life. Only the imagined sort. Maybe that's why I dreamt so much as a child, and this is surely why I'm dreaming so much now that I've been back. Always dreams, dreams, dreams, because there's no reality but sadness in this country. People are miserable here. Their eyes are all saying, "Give me something to hold onto, that isn't hatred, or war, or enmity. Give me something to do, emotions to feel, a faith to believe." In short, "Give me my life back." Beirut, I so want you to have your life back. What a beautiful life it could be here, like before, when Beirut was the "pearl of the Middle East", or whatever you want to call it. I was in Byblos, an ancient port town [with one of the oldest harbors in the world, mind], late last night, browsing through the yellowing pages of pictures at this museum established by an old sailor, now deceased. The museum is filled with memories of a world long gone, a natural order to life that doesn't exist now in this lovely city which I can't help loving and hating all at once. Beirut was beautiful, Beirut was bright. Full of beautiful women out in the sun enjoying themselves, world-famous personalities coming around to see what all the clamor is about. But I couldn't stay in that museum for long - I wafted through the rooms like a ghost, and treated every item I came across with a studied nonchalance. It was the reek of memories that got me so uncomfortable, I've now come to realize, during this lucid "morning-after". Beirut is no longer glamor. No longer beauty, and passion. There's nothing here but Cold, and Empty. The fire has to be rekindled from scratch. And this is why I left, and why so many of us leave, this is the reason at the root. We don't want our young lives to be built up after a model of death, and broken hopes, and a disgusting nest of memories left out in the open like a festering wound. It's sick, but there's nothing of life here, not even a semblance of it. There is an emptiness of the soul, and I feel the city's emptiness pervading my skin and trying to make me a part of it.
Only I'm too happy. I'm too basically happy, and hopeful, and insistent on finding joy everywhere I go, in all the situations I'm thrown in (by fate, and usually with the intervention of myself). There's a long life to come, with God's grace. I have faith in the plan the Universe has in store for me. I believe in my ideals and live true to myself. That's good. My moral code, admittedly, is not the acceptable code that society preaches to its young people (Eastern society and, at its root, Western society) - many aspects of my life do not comply with the standards of how a good life should be. And I feel pangs of guilt, and anguish, at being apart from society in these ways, almost like I'm living two lives. But you know, I've never mentally complied with these washed-out ethics to begin with. My mind was always in opposition, I have to admit that. This is the first time in my life in which I actually go out on a thin, wobbly limb and do something for my soul, and let myself live, goddamit. So naturally, I'm going to feel pain. Society creates mores and rules to imprison those who feel genuinely alive in this illusion that their lives are damned, and wrong, and unsatisfying. I'm alive, and I'm feeling. Those are important things to maintain, in any sojourn on this earth. I'm warm, I'm friendly, I'm passionate. Those are strengths to be treasured, surely, and I'm glad I have them. Without these qualities my life would be considerably more difficult to follow through with. I'm forward-pushing, and stubborn, and I believe in myself. These help too. So you see, I really have no reason to be unhappy in this life. No matter how difficult the situations are, and might be, I have the necessary tools to beat the odds. The Universe has energy for me to tap into. There are horizons to be expanded, and thoughts to be explored. God has a loving nature, and would never leave a creation of His/Hers/Whatever-Other-Possessive-Pronoun without that Universal energy supply to fall back on, when their own energy is lowed-out. Everything is energy. Cats and dogs are energy, nature, glass, emotions, thoughts. All of it is an active force in the expansion of the Universe. I'm happy. I'm sad. It's all a state of being. It's about saying, "Negative thoughts are here. But I choose to not let negative thoughts obstruct my path to positive thoughts, which breed positive results." When thoughts are in your head, let's say they're charged with potential energy - vibrations that haven't been released to the world yet. But they still contain energy, and therefore power, and the innate ability to be utilized for work. So it follows, logically, that exerting all this negative thought energy will eventually bring out negative work (or experiences of this lifetime). If we'd just angle the camera slightly, and see our lives through kinder, more forgiving and hopeful eyes, we would bring about the positive experiences we want. Why am I talking so much about positivity, and "happiness"? Well, I hope you've been able to deduce through this blog post that I haven't been feeling too cheery lately. I find questions about my life popping up at a rate equivalent to that of exponential bacterial reproduction, I keep wondering why I have this and not that, I keep thinking. That's the problem. Focusing on what you don't have, what you think is wrong in your life, but really isn't. When I have simple moments in which thoughts don't obstruct my broad-spectrum vision, I feel happy. That use of the word "feel" was a very spontaneous soul-reaction, by the way. It proves that the true way to happiness lies in the depths of the human heart. The heart is a quiet place, full of peace and joy. The mind, on the other hand, could benefit from some military drill training.
Which brings me to the topic of soulmates. No more murky moods (or, in reality, even murkier moods to surface in this blog post - you be the judge).
I believe in soulmates.
There, I said it, I put it out there. I'm going to be putting a lot of ideas out there that society teaches us to dismiss as children's tales, and all grades of nonsense. But you know, I've seen the soul-union happen in the lives of people around me, and in my own life in particular. In my life in Lebanon I've had two soulmate experiences that can be counted as genuine. One of these soul experiences is detailed in some of the more wistful, melancholy posts on this blog. I don't care to talk about any of these soul experiences in-depth, for the world to see. Let's just say that recently, I prayed to the Universe and to God to reunite me with one of these twin souls if it is destined for our paths to cross again, and the Universe has answered yet another one of my prayers. I am so happy that this soul is evolving along with mine, that we vibrate to a similar rhythm. I'm not too sure if a soul connection can ever be cancelled out. You still carry on with the person, even if they're miles away, or physically dead. I'm going to throw a pop-culture quote at you now that summarizes a belief I have about soulmates:
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
This is from Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I believe in this attempt at defining the concept of the soulmate, since it's practical. It's functional, and it works. In many cases, it doesn't make sense that two people could go on living with each other forever. What if one dies, or is a world traveler, or circumstances don't allow two people to be together? But at the same time, I think that soulmates have the ability to divine one another's states of being despite physical distance. Look, I don't want to start on another round of psychobabble philosophizing. Enough. I just wanna say what's real to me.
In Prague, I've made some of these soul connections as well. Yes, I have two soulmates in Prague, according to the definition above and some more personal convictions of mine. But that's just it. I don't know what I'm going to do with these soul connections. One might tell me, "Nothing. Energy exists between people, and sometimes as the highly-charged vibration of the soulmate level. But that doesn't mean you have to do something with it. Just leave it there." But you see, I can't just leave it there without feeling a little iffy. It's wasted energy, for chrissake. I would be wasting a chance for my soul to learn, and expand along with the rhythm of the Universe. And my soul is learning, and expanding, thanks to my latest soulmates, and I thank you both. I don't know if you know who you are, and I'm not going to drag you people into this blog. But here would be a good moment to say, "Thank you, and I love you", to each one of you.
Now. Why am I thinking of soulmates? Let me tell you. I had a stirring in my spirit around the early hours of the dawn yesterday, and I can tell you this. My spiritual mate and helpmeet (yes, I used that word. YES) is soon to be discovered by me. My soul is ready, and I ask for the enlightenment to truly recognize you, and know you, dear human.
This type of talk is exactly what gets parents hyper, what makes religious institutions angry, and pessimists a little pissy. This next "We" is dedicated especially to the ladies reading this. Ahem. WE, at least, a lot more of us than I would like to have witnessed, have been conditioned not to desire, not to want. You don't show that you want men. Let men come to you. We get labeled all sorts of things when we exhibit our very real desires to the public. I'm not going to use the insipid, plain stupid stuff people say about "loose" women here on my blog. Ladies, indulge in as much pleasure as you want. Nothing wrong with living a human life to the fullest. But I'm not talking about desiring and wanting sexual stuff only. In every area of our lives, we're pigeonholed into some sort of prerequisites for femininity. Fuck it, we're all just souls living out our human experiences. Oh, now I've remembered why I even brought up the sex issue in the first place - sexual pleasure, for example, isn't necessarily a need. It's a desire. And yet so many people insist on labeling it as a need. Why? Because probably, maybe, just maybe, we're afraid of desire, markedly the unfettered female variety. This isn't something new. This subject of the dangers of female desire has been explored before me, with much more eloquence and depth. I'm just derailing a little bit. I only intend to talk about my case.
And it's this:
Feeling that stirring in my soul last night was the first step through the darkness into a new sort of light, the light that makes the fear of my buried-deep desires inconsequential. I am frightened of saying it, and feeling it, and believing in the vision I have of my soulmate. And now I don't want to use the "We". I will make a conscious effort to use the "I". I have always been advised to tone down my dreams. There should be a swear jar labeled "Petra's Dreams", with all the dreams I've had to alter tossed in there. Or down a memory hole, like Winston does with the censorship requests in 1984. Thank you Orwell. People have said to me, "Your vision is too broad, and your ideals are too high. Live with something more manageable." But I've always been able to make my dreams come true. I don't want to tone anything down, especially in the area of relationships. Let's talk astrology now. A prominent figure in my birth chart is its Libra stellium. A stellium is, to water it down, no less than four natal positions in a particular sign of the zodiac. And baby, you know how romantic Libras can be. It is the unconscious desire of the scale balancer to... drumroll please... balance. I was reading up on the different approaches of the zodiac signs towards love recently, and something jumped out at me which I find has always been a very true and immovable characteristic of my nature. The idea goes something like this: "Libra isn't needy or clingy, but will always subconsciously search for a soulmate, in an attempt to balance yang and yin, male and female, light and dark." Really, that sums up my approach to soulmates. I know you don't have to be romantically linked to a soulmate. But this is what I want, and what I will achieve.
I want that romantic partner to share my life with. This is what I want, at this stage in my life. And I'm saying it out loud, putting it on my blog so that it can be seen, for this vibration to ascend into the spheres of the Universe. I want it. I can envision it. Therefore, it will happen. And it will happen soon. My soulmate is a man, and we shall recognize one another in Prague. More than this I cannot say. I do not know, and I cannot pretend that I know. But I am convinced it will happen.
And now, some words to my soulmate.
Hey there. How are you? It's been a long time, but I can feel you in me, stirring me up from all that pent-up feeling. You're coming for me, and I am coming for you. We have been waiting a very long time for one another. At last I am ready for you. I can love you, and respond to your call, now. It's not nice to rush one another, but please, walk a little faster towards me. Put a spring in that gait. I am clearing out my spiritual shit so that new love and new light can walk in. I am making a conscious effort to prepare myself for your arrival. I have never envisioned anything without it happening. You are a reality already. That is good enough, for now. But come. And see you later, my loved one.
So, back to you guys. Yes, I am talking like this, I am acting like this, I am feeling like this. Why shouldn't I try it? There's nothing gained from thinking you're never going to have what you want in your romantic life. So I'll try the other approach. I can have exactly what I want in my romantic life, and I can have the balance I crave. On my own terms. And that's the Aquarian in me, ladies and gents. And this Aquarian has to go now.
Another blog post, another day, another beautiful moment to be savored. I love this, now. These moments are golden, and I'm happy. Despite what my mind says, despite what it looks like to the world. I am contented. I am perfect. I am okay.
Once again, if you ever want to ask something or talk to me about anything, don't hesitate. My e-mail is bemgcasrbaquarian@gmail.com . Maybe I'll put up more stuff on astrology soon. I'm feeling an itch to write about it.
So, my dears, have a nice Christmas Eve wherever you might be in the world, celebrate it and live it and love it. Eat well, drink well, dance, and be fulfilled. Bye.
Signed, your friendly Water Bearer.
Sunday, 9 December 2012
To my dearest friend
My dearest friend, and my truest one (instead of saying the only true one):
I'll keep this simple. I don't have other ways of contacting you from here, and this gets the message across easily.
I'm coming home in a week. I'm staying for three.
Do you want to hang out?
I don't know if asking for that is the right thing. But since I'll be around, and won't be for quite a long time after those three weeks are up, it didn't feel right not to ask.
No justifications, no tearful soliloquys or explanations. I just need a yes/no answer, or maybe no answer at all, who knows, if you don't see this in time, or see it and decide to ignore it.
So, my dearest friend, I'll go now, and time will tell things, as it always does.
Love,
P.
I'll keep this simple. I don't have other ways of contacting you from here, and this gets the message across easily.
I'm coming home in a week. I'm staying for three.
Do you want to hang out?
I don't know if asking for that is the right thing. But since I'll be around, and won't be for quite a long time after those three weeks are up, it didn't feel right not to ask.
No justifications, no tearful soliloquys or explanations. I just need a yes/no answer, or maybe no answer at all, who knows, if you don't see this in time, or see it and decide to ignore it.
So, my dearest friend, I'll go now, and time will tell things, as it always does.
Love,
P.
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