A Response

To her.

   This is hard for me to write. I don't like showcasing my vulnerability. But it has to be done, it's therapeutic and it helps, hopefully both of us.  I wish I wrote this yesterday, when the emotions were still fresh and not muddled over by thought; then, the words could have come out easier, and better, but definitely less honest, cuz I would have been trying to be all literary and annoying and poetic. God damn that.  

   Why is it that thoughts of you always evoke a sweet kind of sadness in me, and are always followed by tears? Not necessarily sad tears; sometimes ridiculously happy ones. But I don't know, it's always tearful, and it's never casual. I love the way you write. So much. I'm actually jealous of it. I like the way I write, but yours is so fresh and clean and "ahhhh" and gorgeous and pure. Mine skims around the edges. Yours is straight to the point, and I love that, being straight to the point, knowing what you want out of life and feeling out what you're entitled to. That's a quality I admire about you.

   I gotta say, when I found out you wanna leave education and go to Bali and nurture your inner spirit, I felt just about flooded over with relief, and an eccentric sense of joy and gladness. You should so do it. If not one other spirit supports your choice, mine does, and by extension your own does. You're like a part of me that's been chipped. I hope, though, you never have to be broke and lonely and, scariest of all, homeless. Being broke is not pleasant. But I don't think you're lonely. You're too in touch with the universe to be That. But maybe India's better for this kind of thing. I read in a book that you can't really stay in Bali for more than one month at a time. Just for practical purposes, India might be better. India, Bali... as long as you get out of the shit-hole existence that is Lebanon. Man, I promise you, once you get out and you're away from all the nagging and shit, whatever depression you have will just melt away. It's living with these assholes day in and day out that does it all, turns you into this Thing that you're not, this dark and desperate Thing that takes a piss on all the light. Screw that.

   I love you. But I don't want to be always crying when I think of you. Because I will think of you. And that's a given. I acknowledge that. You're my only true friend. I have the most fun with you, in the past, and when I think of the past. You know, I meet at least one new interesting person a day... it's like an assortment of toys you ought to be playing with, only you don't want any of those, you want THAT ONE. You're still Most Interesting. You are the single most beautiful woman I've ever met. Really. Nothing overly romanticized. You are, and you know you are. Love is for keeps. I always will love you. I don't try to unlove people anymore. But what can I do with this love? A big fat bowl of nothing. So I'll just keep you in my heart, always there protecting me, like a human angel. You know my soul well. You are a part of that soul. And you have been its mate. But the road is open, and the night is long, and the daylight is burning. You can understand that.

   You have so much God in you. I'm so happy that you're living up to your birthright of being a unique and universal This. You are That. And it's great that you're doing what's right for you. I don't know if you messed up somewhere along the road. Surely in their eyes. But you haven't messed anything up. It's a mess to start with. So how the hell are you gonna mess everything up? And even if you did, so what? At least you have the courage to be real and believe in your dreams. Sorry to say it, but all the people who are gonna tell you you're crazy, are crazy themselves. And mighty irrational. Because what the hell are you gonna do with a college degree anyway? Especially if you don't give a shit. Just go to Bali, with tons of spiritual blessing, not only from me, but from the universe. The universe smiles upon This, which you are.  

   Infinite love and prayer and well-wishes. You are great, and very powerful.
   Lovingly,
   A part of your soul. 08/11/2012 + always + never + eternally.